My head is a mess
Sorry if this is a long post but I just want to get this out my system and figure out what other people think.
So I have a history of child abuse growing up and all that which in itself is a mindfuck. But I won't go into that here that's not where my mind is.
A bit of backstory first back in school there was a guy that hung around with our group (mix of boys and girls) let's call him A. I had a major crush on him throughout the whole of school and everyone in our group knew it. I never acted because he had a girlfriend. Around year 10 (I was 14/15) another one of the guys in our group, call him D. We got together but never went further than kissing. One day my best friend (Call her S) came over mine and we invited both D and A over to hang out, the three of them stayed over that night. D and S fell asleep and A and myself couldn't sleep so we stayed up chatting.
I can't remember exactly how it happened but in the room with D and S sleeping A and I had started kissing and we were laying down, he had started fingering me. This was the first time I'd been intimate (He had experience with his girlfriend) I remember feeling confused and wondering why he was suddenly paying attention to me. After that night we carried on as if nothing happened. Fast forward to time passing. D and I split up (mutual) he wasn't any good for me anyway, I was going through SH and an ED and he used to supply me with tools. Anyway he and S ended up together for years.
At the end of school finishing officially (2010) we all went our separate ways, college, jobs etc. I met my current partner (call him B) but we hadn't got together at this point (2011). During a snowy day B and myself were socialising and I met up with A again, randomly getting in touch and invited him along. He came back to mine and we were flirting, he wasn't with his girlfriend anymore. Later in the evening he started getting handsy and again I thought he was interested so went along with it. We ended up going upstairs and getting into bed, this was my first time, we didn't have condoms available and to be honest didn't think about it. He tried pushing in but I told him it hurt, he tried a few more times and I don't remember if he managed to go inside, my mind is completely blank. Next thing I do remember was him going home the next morning and texting me to get the morning after pill. I haven't heard from him since...
Fast forward to 2013 and I get with my current partner, we have consensual sex 4 days into our relationship....2015 was a tough year for us and we don't see eye to eye, relationship strain and I meet my now sister-in-law and a few guys (Call him L) long story short L starts paying attention to me, knowing I'm with B and going through a tough patch, he starts showing me affection, gifts, sweet words and even my sister-in-law says I should get with L. Fast forward and he invites me over to his by this time he had already kissed me a couple times. I'm confused again because I'm touch starved and being shown affection. I was 20/21 at the time. Round his we start getting more hands on and end up having protected sex but he only wanted anal. I wasn't keen but being touch starved I just agreed to go along with it. After it happened I had to go home (I was upset and regretful over everything and went back and told my partner everything. More tension in the relationship. A few days later L secretly told my now sister-in-law that he was happy and finished with me now he got what he wanted. She was furious and had a go at him, she also told me. We never spoke to him after that.
On and off in my current relationship this has happened a few times and more recently (Monday just gone, 6 days ago) I woke up to do the school run and I had semen leaking from me. He had sex with me while I was asleep (not the first time) and Wednesday just gone (4 day ago) I woke up to him having anal sex with me. I freeze and just lay there. The next morning I tell him I didn't like or agree to it, he knows I don't like anal and his answer was anal was unintentional.
My mind is all over the place...I'm going through a relapse of my SH which he isn't aware of. I'm struggling mentally and I can't/don't want to talk to him about it. I'm in therapy and chatting there but we only meet once a week. I contacted SHOUT on Friday because I had an episode when I was alone.
I don't want him getting in trouble, he's the father to my two young kids. I just need clarity that I'm not going insane. Those incidents with A and L.....what exactly happened with that? Was that assault? Was it consensual? This with my current partner? No one knows except my therapist and he's not put a word to it but I just need it in black and white. What exactly happened to me? My head isn't comprehending it