u/OwlPsychological6247

Im a 29 year old woman with autism and social anxiety and ive had many relationships throughout my 20s, yet im still a virgin. Had my first relationship at 19 and realized that no matter how attracted I had been to my first boyfriend I still couldnt get myself to sleep with him, I just kept saying I needed time. Then I met the man who became my second boyfriend and really loved him deeply, we grew together a lot and it was a very important relationship for me to this day. Him and I broke up months later and stayed friends, we were very close best friends but eventually our feelings for each other became so mixed and confusing and created conflicts that we stopped talking for 3 years. During those 3 years and after I dated other guys, got extremely attached to some, dated one on and off for 4 years, but never gained any sexual experience.

This year ive gotten closer to my second boyfriend from 10 years ago again. We reconnected as friends during the pandemic, started hanging out sporadically 2 years ago, and this spring and summer began getting closer. Ive never really gotten over him even though we both have our issues but that doesnt change my feelings. He's wanted me back as a girlfriend a few times in the past but i've always rejected him, due to circumstances and expectations ive felt forced upon me, not feelings. As we've gotten closer this summer I eventually asked him out but he replied we can go as friends, when I questioned why he said that he has strong needs sexual and emotional so he cant be with me in a relationship. I figured he must assume I lack sexual needs and on top of that struggle greatly with emotional intimacy as well... I have had many people refer to me as nice but cold and impossible to read or get close to... Im a very avoidant person. I panicked and I told him that of course he has those needs and the problem is only that ive not been certain of the direction we're moving in so i've been holding back, and then I told him I have feelings for him. That changed everything. We went on a date and ever since we've pretty much dated, we cuddle and hold hands and he has tried to escalate sexually a few times... But everytime I have stopped him.

I am prude though I wish not to be. I have a hard time seeing sex as something other than emotionally detached and 'bad'. I am not asexual, in fact my ex was asexual and that made me very frustrated and I felt he was only lying about being in love with me since he didnt seem to desire me at all, he didnt call himself asexual but he was extremely avoiding of intimacy. Its more of a mental blockage I have and I dont know how to remove. I realize I am often sending a lot of mixed signals.
Recently he asked me if I will never be open to anything sexual. Hes not expecting sex right away, its more for example touching on and under the clothes... Which we have but only on his initiative. For me I have only touched a mans penis 1 time and that was his not too long ago and I found it overwhelming and strange sensorywise, but I believe I have processed that experience now. He then asked me if I dont want him seeing other women so I said no. I feel like I probably demand a lot if I expect exclusivity but wont offer a full relationship. Ive already 10 years ago kept telling him when we were a couple then that I just need time... And then broke up with him which I remember really hurt his feelings, it took some time before we could be friends. I wouldnt want to hurt him like that again and after being with my ex last year who never showed any desire for me I actually know what it feels like now to be on the side of feeling undesirable. He has told me several times that its good if we can talk about this and that he wont judge me no matter what, but I still havent actually opened up and told him how everything feels to me.

He is very physically affectionate, he touches me a lot. I would definietely say theres a lot of chemistry and the thing holding me back is this mental blockage. Like if I let anything sexual happen I go to the bathroom and shame myself for it. Genuienly when we went back to his place after the date we had when i'd told him I have feelings for him this summer I felt so attracted to him, we made out quite a lot but still everytime it started going further I - almost against my own will - stopped him, and then went home even though it was the middle of the night and I couldve just stayed over. I dont know what my problem is. Ive always been curious about sex, my libido may not be so high but its certainly not extremely low either. I dont want to stay like this forever. I was wondering if this sounds familiar to anyone else and if anyone overcame it and how.