u/PegAndPlay

I grew up in a very masculine household, I served in the military, and spent most of my career in finance which is the kind of environment where a certain idea of what a man is supposed to be gets reinforced every single day. 

However, deep down underneath, probably since puberty, I had a curiosity about my own body, anal play and bi-curiosity. I always knew that there was something but I had no language for it and even less the emotions to process hence I kept pushing it down. I started experimenting a little with toys by myself, but as soon as I finished I would be immediately overcome by a feeling of guilt and emptiness. 

Then I met my wife and everything changed. We often get asked how we got into pegging and the answer is open, honest and vulnerable communication. It was different from the start. The honesty between us was unlike anything I’d experienced before, not the kind where you present a version of yourself that keeps the peace, but real vulnerability, the kind where you say the things you’ve never said out loud, and leave yourself open and exposed. This type of emotional vulnerability led to a previously unknown level of intimacy. We already had incredible sex, but it took our bedroom experience to mind blowing. 

The biggest empowerment for me was that though it was a new thing for her too, she deeply appreciated the vulnerability I was showing her inside and outside of the bedroom. I have always been more of a giver so when she made clear she wanted this too, to give me a safe space to explore myself, and to give her an opportunity to help nurture such a vulnerable part of myself, something genuinely shifted in me. The first few times pegging were’t perfect. It felt physically uncomfortable and cleaning out was an ordeal. It took a fair amount of practice and relaxing, overall I would say close to two years to get to the point of where we are today, and my wife will likely tell you that pegging me is the best part of our sex life now. 

What I didn’t expect was this: I have never felt more masculine in my life than I do now, and I mean that completely seriously. Not the old version of masculine that I’d been carrying around, the one built on what other people think, what the locker room decided or what the military said a man should look like. Sitting on top of my beautiful wife and riding her cock makes me feel like sitting on a throne and I am the king to my own kingdom. Why? Because I let go of all external validation and I live life based on my own values and belief system. This is how I define modern masculinity for myself.

I often read here on this subreddit people asking for advice on how to communicate to their partner and I understand this is hard, I get that, I lived with that fear in previous relationships. What I’m genuinely curious about is the moment before that, the internal one. For the men here who made the shift from pushing it down to actually acknowledging it and deciding to explore it: what triggered that? Not the conversation with your partner, but the one you had with yourself first. What made you stop suppressing it and start moving toward it instead?

I grew up in a very masculine household, I served in the military, and spent most of my career in finance which is the kind of environment where a certain idea of what a man is supposed to be gets reinforced every single day. 

However, deep down underneath, probably since puberty, I had a curiosity about my own body, anal play and bi-curiosity. I always knew that there was something but I had no language for it and even less the emotions to process hence I kept pushing it down. I started experimenting a little with toys by myself, but as soon as I finished I would be immediately overcome by a feeling of guilt and emptiness. 

Then I met my wife and everything changed. We often get asked how we got into pegging and the answer is open, honest and vulnerable communication. It was different from the start. The honesty between us was unlike anything I’d experienced before, not the kind where you present a version of yourself that keeps the peace, but real vulnerability, the kind where you say the things you’ve never said out loud, and leave yourself open and exposed. This type of emotional vulnerability led to a previously unknown level of intimacy. We already had incredible sex, but it took our bedroom experience to mind blowing. 

The biggest empowerment for me was that though it was a new thing for her too, she deeply appreciated the vulnerability I was showing her inside and outside of the bedroom. I have always been more of a giver so when she made clear she wanted this too, to give me a safe space to explore myself, and to give her an opportunity to help nurture such a vulnerable part of myself, something genuinely shifted in me. The first few times pegging were’t perfect. It felt physically uncomfortable and cleaning out was an ordeal. It took a fair amount of practice and relaxing, overall I would say close to two years to get to the point of where we are today, and my wife will likely tell you that pegging me is the best part of our sex life now. 

What I didn’t expect was this: I have never felt more masculine in my life than I do now, and I mean that completely seriously. Not the old version of masculine that I’d been carrying around, the one built on what other people think, what the locker room decided or what the military said a man should look like. Sitting on top of my beautiful wife and riding her cock makes me feel like sitting on a throne and I am the king to my own kingdom. Why? Because I let go of all external validation and I live life based on my own values and belief system. This is how I define modern masculinity for myself.

I often read here on this subreddit people asking for advice on how to communicate to their partner and I understand this is hard, I get that, I lived with that fear in previous relationships. What I’m genuinely curious about is the moment before that, the internal one. For the men here who made the shift from pushing it down to actually acknowledging it and deciding to explore it: what triggered that? Not the conversation with your partner, but the one you had with yourself first. What made you stop suppressing it and start moving toward it instead?