Is it possible to find a monogamous relationship in the BDSM community?
I'm recently in remission for PTSD, and maybe getting an ADHD diagnosis very soon as middle aged adult. My recent life has been full of self acceptance and the shedding of old religious resedues from my high control upbringing. I now accept that I am into BDSM, and that my traumas are partly why, but maybe also my neurodivergent traits (2e)
I am not looking for a classicly D/s relationship, but I do like being vulnerable and rendered helpless with a very loyal partner that I can give complete trust. Partly, this is because I have executive dysfunction and past traumas. I just want to feel vulnerable and cared for, rather than vulnerable and harmed as it was when I was abused as a toddler. No, this isn't age regression, I just get pleasure from knowing people care though to help me when I'm in a disabled state, whether by accident or by my consent. I'm also into heavy sensation play, but not so much into high impact play, age play nor body fluids, puppy play, "ownership". I am anything but submissive, but I can be quiet passive.
I can't handle the added chaos of a poly relationship, so I have a preference for monogamy, where the variety is in the reciprocal practice of BDSM and being a good listener to the other person's needs. I just want something simple based on mutual consent, trust and exchange of service (both sexual and non-sexual). I would even like to do chores in tandom with my partner, because if my partner I initiates chores, it overcomes my executive dysfunction, and it shows that I care and want to make the partnership a team effort where to each according to there needs and from each according to their ability. Solo time is ok, too, both for quiet time to recharge from overwhelm, and self service when the other can't perform. Primarily, this would be an exchange based on empathy, where the goal is teamwork, rather than some capitalist score keeping nonsense that so frequently destroys marriages and long term partnerships.
The advice I have been given is to use mainstream dating apps that focus on monogamy and filter for BDSM, while also using BDSM friendly apps that filter for Monogamy. I was also told that I should go to munches and use the community as a match maker, since what I am looking for is uncommon, but present in the community.
My age is 48, and I'm a cis-man, and I'm straight demi-sexusl and sapiosexual; I also believe that consent, and sometimes even echo checks, are the corner stone to intimacy. Any advice as I enter the community and go to munches would be very much appreciated.
Please forgive me if I sound at all ignorant. I don't know all the terminologies out there. I am mostly coming into this space from the furry fandom, which is a kink friendly space, but it's also heavily homosexual in practice, which doesn't turn me on at all.