going insane idk what to do
I just wanna say I know that my deformity is not affecting my physical health and there are probably a lot of other things I should be worrying about, but to me this is such a big deal.
Ever since the start of high school I kinda knew something was wrong with my breasts. And I don’t wanna get too deep into it that but I have had a lot of experiences where some people have commented about my breasts. so this insecurity has been building for a really long time.
Before I found this sub reddit it about a year ago I kind of thought I was in this alone, and it was genuinely destroying me. I have a high libido so growing up, I’ve had the urge to have a lot of sex, but for most of it, I felt uncomfortable ab my breasts, which led to me not being able to really enjoy any of my sexual experiences.
I would always keep my bra on or want to keep the light dark, even though I was proud of the rest of my body. I go to the gym and I try to be in a good shape, i take care of my self and how I look, i care about my future and my education, what i put in my body, but I can’t help but think that my boobs are the only thing “ruining” me. I know that’s probably so stupid to say, and there is a lot more to a person than just their boobs. But I feel so unfeminine and disgusting.
Due to finding out about this sub, I saw that a lot of people got correction surgery. But from my research it seems like a regular augmentation surgery could be about 7000 to maybe even 10,000 on the higher ends and for tuberous it’s 17,000 to 22,000. it’s just such a drastic difference as a uni student I just cannot afford. and it’s something I don’t think I could afford for a long time yet.
The big issue with that is that I see a lot of people getting the surgery done early and I’m already 21. This is supposed to be my fun years and although I do get male attention when it comes down to actually being in a relationship with someone long term, I just feel so unworthy. I devalue myself because of this stupid deformity. obviously I do have had experiences with good partners who don’t care about that part of me, but obviously they would prefer something much nicer looking.
I know it sounds so stupid, but I literally scroll before and after pictures on plastic surgeons website just dreaming about getting the surgery and it’s becoming kind of obsessive. I don’t really know what to do watching movies and nudity is triggering and it makes me seek out and want to look at other people’s boobs to constantly compare myself to them. It’s not even looking at them in a sexual way because I’m a straight female, but I just keep wanting to look at other people‘s breasts and just constantly see what looks like so I can compare myself to them.
especially now that summer is approaching, I go to the beach with my friends or we go to a place where there’s a lot of skin showing. I just get this tingling feeling on my insides and I just wanna scream and just hide. I don’t even know how else to explain it I just feel so gross and squirmy. it ruins my ability to enjoy any moment where there are any time other people’s boobs involved, and in a patriotic world that is very prevalent. I don’t know. I just feel like I’m getting triggered by everything and genuinely it would change so much about my life and I’m just wondering how people have been affording this.
And please don’t take this in a way where I’m begging for money, like I will earn my own money and pay for it myself I’m just saying for the meantime how are people been able to scrape up money at such a young age because I’m seeing a lot of younger people also get it. And I feel like it would either be insurance or parental support, but my parents would never approve of me getting such a surgery so I don’t even know what to do cause I can’t get help.
I don’t want to take a loan or do a payment plan because right now I don’t have a job that can pay for such a large amount of money and if I miss any payments, my credit score will go down.
I don’t know I’m just in this giant spiral where I just want to scream and rip my own boobs off and it sounds so crazy but I am going kind of insane from this insecurity.
thaks for reading and letting me vent. i just wish this wasn’t even considered a deformity and just normal i hate my stupid boobs so much i wanna just cry all day about them like why is it me why did i have to have this