Realized I don't actually know how to hold a conversation.
Hey guys, back with an unfortunate but necessary realization: I haven't had a real conversation since at least high school... I turn 30 next month.
Reflecting on this made me realize (much like everything else) my parents dropped the ball Badly.
Dad taught me that asking people about themselves any deeper than surface level was being nosy and physically aggressed me as a child for doing so. I was also threatened/assaulted for teasing him (which I learned is a common way for men to bond) so even if I knew HOW to tease, I still won't do it for fear someone will try to fight me.
Mom taught me as a man it's my job to maintain and validate her feelings without any support back and failure to do so meant any love or affection I *might* have received was to be withheld until the desired enmeshment occured.
Both took up all the speaking room while never engaging with me, leaving me believing that if someone wants you to know something about themselves; they'll tell you.
Obviously all this comes together in a perfect storm of avoidance, shame and fear that has left me alone and isolated and I want it to stop.
I know this sounds pathetic but would anyone be willing to video chat w me and show me what an actual conversation sounds like? I downplay any attention I get because it feels wrong.