u/QueenSuccubus1

Why should I feel guilty?

I met my husband of 19 years when I was a free spirited young woman with hopes of becoming a singer. He was always controlling, becoming jealous when I practiced with bandmates and so eventually I gave it up.

We fought like wild animals early on, not so much with hands (though that happened on both sides) but with words. I will never forget the time he called me a cunt. As a woman of color, that was something I had never experienced and it hit me like bricks. I forgave it.

I got pregnant after a point and we decided to make it work for the sake of our child. Still, it was toxic. But I put up with it and accepted it so I am no victim.

Fast forward 19 years.

He is still the same man, though more tame. Meaning, he still gets angry quickly, but doesn't call me out my name anymore. Hasn't in years.

We were never supposed to stay together. But here we are.

He has his qualities, for sure. Handsome, loves to eat pussy and have sex (which arguably clouded my judgement over the years), but he does not challenge me intellectually, he and I rarely see eye to eye on even the most basic of issues and I find myself coming to the bleak truth that we were supposed to be with different people.

I have been feeling an urgent sense of longing for the relationship I feel I always deserved. That intellectually stimulating, charming and engaging person who is slow to anger and is able to find the magic in life.

Why should I feel guilty if I have these fantasies? Why should I feel guilt if I snatch someone up to fulfill something in me that was buried down deep and lost?

Divorce him.

Sure, that's all great on paper. But as two high income earners who have built a life where both our incomes matter, why should I blow up my financial position?

I just want to recapture what I lost 20 years ago through someone else.

Why should I feel bad about my that?

I have been married for 20 years. Never cheated on my husband. Ever.

But, the more I think about it, the more I realize that being with one person until death is not natural and, honestly, it's an incredible independent sacrifice and concession. Considering our finite existence, which, compared to the universe's existence as a whole, it is just ridiculous that we are made to conform to a societal system whereby we are only expected to have one sexual partner after the decision to marry. Marriage was designed for the protection of assets childbearing and rearing. I believe you can still be married and adhere to those social obligations while exploring other people sexually.

The issue is ego, pride and insecurities. Men and women feel as though if their spouse seeks someone else for sexual pleasure, that means that they are not good enough. Or, they're scared of abandonment. Why can't it be accepted that people are naturally attracted to multiple types of people for different reasons and in this one life we have to live - a very short one relatively speaking, why can't we explore all of the pleasures life has to offer? Being safe, of course.

Pleasure and the desire to experience pleasure with someone who is not your spouse should not result in the destruction of a marriage, unless there were already other issues.