u/RealisticGrip

My wife and I have been together for a total of 7 years, over time our relationship and sexual dynamic changed a lot after a couple of cheating incidents during a long-distance phase of our relationship and also while we lived together, 3 separate times I found out about.

Before the cheating, I was always the more dominant personality sexually and mentally in the relationship. During the long-distance period, she was secretly talking to and flirting with other men online and eventually admitted to crossing boundaries after I discovered things myself. Some of the conversations and behavior involved sexual messages, no concrete proof, but one message from a dude said “when I see you, I’m going to fuck you hard” to which she responded “you better”. This affected me a bit emotionally and changed how I started thinking about sex, jealousy, attraction, and control.

After everything came out, instead of only feeling angry or betrayed, I noticed I began developing fantasies connected to jealousy, role reversal, and submission. Granted I kinda convinced her to post images online for us to make money, but it was more for me on the sense for other men to see her and for me to take a back seat and see how desirable she was, secretly I believe she knows this too.

Over time, our sex life became more experimental. As we experimented more privately, we also started using larger toys (BBC) as part of changing the dynamic between us. A lot of the focus became less about traditional dominant sex and more about role reversal, teasing, and me reacting to her pleasure instead. She became more confident and playful during those moments, me putting a Chasity cage on, her riding bbc didlo or sucking it and kissing me then sucking it and kissing me again. She likes it cause she cums at least 3 times every time.

At the same time, she has repeatedly made it clear that while she enjoys many aspects of what we do together, the idea of involving real other people in our sex life makes her uncomfortable. She specifically told me that “that part throws her off” and admitted that sometimes she says yes to fantasies or plays along because she knows it excites me, not necessarily because she wants it herself. But I think she thinks I’m testing her.

This has created confusion for me because there have also been moments where she herself brought up hypothetical scenarios or joked about them first. For example, she has occasionally made playful comments about “what if” situations involving another person showing up somewhere, These moments made me wonder whether she was curious herself or simply engaging in fantasy-level teasing because she knew it turned me on.

More recently, we’ve had honest conversations after experimenting with different dynamics. She admitted that some of the changes in our sexual behavior feel “weird” to her, even though she enjoys parts of it physically and emotionally in the moment. She also asked me directly if I was getting bored of normal sex with her because of these changes. I reassured her that I’m not bored of her at all, and explained that part of this came from wanting to change dynamics and explore a different role after years of always being dominant.

But I’m at a stand still, I think she’s afraid of doing something real cause of the cheating past, and thinks maybe this is all a test, but not sure how to play this or where it can go.