u/Remote-Cucumber6342

I was in a messed up relationship with my mom for about 2 years. That was 4 years ago. I live abroad now.

Every time I try to be intimate with someone, I get intense anxiety. I can't relax. I can't let go.

I finally told a girl I was dating about my past. I trusted her. She walked away.

Now I'm terrified to open up to anyone again. I feel like I'm carrying this stain that will never wash off. I want a normal relationship but I don't know how to get there when honesty keeps pushing people away.

Just need to know if anyone else has been here and found a way out. Any suggestions?

I’ve been lurking here for a while, but I finally felt ready to share my story. It’s a bit complex, so bear with me.

My mom has been a single mother since I was a kid. We lived in a small apartment. I didn’t know the full extent of her "job" until I was in my early teens. I used to hear noises on weekends after I supposedly "went to sleep"—men coming and going. I found condoms in the garbage. Curiosity got the better of me. I started catching feelings and becoming fascinated by her body. I’d watch her changing clothes, and eventually, I even tried peeking through the bathroom window while she showered. I was ashamed, but the curiosity just grew as I got older.

When I went to hostel for 11th and 12th grade, things changed. When I came back after 12th, she sensed that I knew more than I was letting on. Instead of hiding it, she opened up. I eventually confessed everything—that I knew about the clients, that I’d watched her, and that I wasn’t as judgmental as she thought. To my surprise, she was relieved. We started being honest with each other.

I moved to new city for college and came back last year. By then, I had gained some confidence through various flings and hookups. That’s when I discovered the Reddit swap and cuckolding culture. I started opening up to my mom about these fantasies. She was still doing the "old school" agent-client business, but we decided to modernize. We tried out sites like Massage Republic in Bangalore, and she started getting a steady stream of new clients.

For a long time, I was still too ashamed to tell her that I wanted to be involved—that I didn’t just want to watch from the sidelines. But slowly, I started sharing my specific fantasies about cuckolding and threesomes. She was open-minded and eager to explore this new dynamic with me.

Last week, we finally had our first session together with a guy. It was intense, emotional, and exactly what I had imagined.

She felt weird in our first session hoping things will get better.