Opposite of my true actual self.
Im not even all that interested in sex, i don’t find it too appealing. Im hardly interested in any relationships other than friendships period. Yet, here i am, constantly fighting the urge to masturbate or just giving in to it, its so confusing. I have hobbies i have a life i have things that i’ll always prefer over boring ass annoying sex but then theres that one time i almost had my first hook up, i didnt actually want that i only liked the idea, im so glad i stopped but why the fuck did i get so close, why do i become totally different when i masturbate just full 180 and why is the urge so frequent and constant? I cant tell if i like it or dont like it or what anymore, how much of my fantasies are true genuine fantasies? Are they just me chasing a high to finish as fast as possible? I cant tell anymore, i don’t know anymore, i just want this to stop. Can my brain just pick a side? I go to sleep, sex fantasy, i wake up another sex fantasy and once im done i realize that insane crazy wild scenario i just thought of was actually unappetizing as hell to me. I also hate how my best friend slips into my thought, they are fine the way they are what the heck is this gross over exaggerated clone of them that my own head randomly shoves into my fantasies? Why did the universe choose me, why not choose, i dont know, betty over there who DOES love sex to experience this? Worst part is that all of this is from trauma that i just want to forget but i cant because my response is this obnoxious thing that constantly plagues my everyday life.
Anyway, im here complaining because i wonder if anybody else feels this exact way, my hypersexuality seems genuinely ego-dystonic.