My 24/7 Sub Left After an Emotional Breakdown. Need advice
Hi everyone. I’d like to share my story and perhaps ask for some advice or support.
I was in a 24/7 dynamic with a sub. Our history is complicated. We once separated at my initiative, then later resumed the relationship. She is a very anxious person, quite immature in many ways, with an avoidant attachment style. For the past couple of years, things had been going well. I built structure around her, supported her, and helped her work through her triggers, psychological issues, and past trauma. Perhaps taking on so much of that was not entirely right on my part.
A few months ago, something happened in her life that placed her under a great deal of stress and external pressure. My sub became severely emotionally overwhelmed, spiraled, convinced herself that I no longer needed her, and said that something inside her had broken. And that was it.
There is simply nothing I can do about it, because all of this happened inside her own mind. After so many years, so many attempts to reassure her, and all the care I gave her, she still reacted this way. Naturally, this has been extremely difficult for me. Truly difficult.
Throughout this period, I tried not to put pressure on her. Our dynamic became softer, and without really intending to, I turned into more of a calm, safe space where she could breathe and recover. I became warmer and gentler, and I opened up to her deeply myself. Yet in the end, she still simply ran away. She said that she loved me but could no longer continue because everything had become too painful for her.
I tried to explain that this was a difficult period, that the pressure being placed on her was affecting her, and that we could get through it together. Apparently, that only made her feel even more pressured. Talking did not help. She ran away and even blocked me.
I feel both hurt and humiliated. It is difficult to see this kind of behaviour from someone who trusted you so deeply and once saw you as the centre of her life.
So now I am trying to understand where I went wrong. Did I become too soft at the wrong time? Did I explain too much? Was there something I failed to do? I feel completely drained.
What hurts most is that, under stress, anxiety, and fear, she created an entire narrative in her head in which she was unwanted, undesirable, somehow wrong, and incapable of giving me what I needed. She retreated into the role of a victim, even though I explicitly told her how I felt about her and repeatedly contradicted those assumptions.
Or perhaps there is something I am not seeing, and the real issue is something else entirely. Maybe this is simply what happens with someone who is deeply anxious and avoidant, and there is nothing another person can do to change it.
Have any of you had submissives with anxious or avoidant attachment styles? I would be grateful to hear about your experiences or receive any advice.