I miss it.
I miss dancing, I danced for about 2 years. I may not have made a ton of money doing it, I was way too nice to some of the guys and let myself sit for ages with Johns who'd never get a dance, some days I wasn't even fully driven to make money, and occasionally I had to pay to leave for not selling the minimum, but I just loved the stage. I loved hearing my favorite songs while doing flips and tricks on lyra and spinning around the pole, I miss the outfits, the girls I worked with, the early morning post close practices. Somehow I even miss the long drive to work and abhorrent smells of cigarettes, cigars, and cheap cologne. The free time to do self care, to do whatever I wanted during the day and be someone new 100 miles away at night. Then I met the man i love the most, it's not that hes opposed to me going back to dancing or stopped me from doing it, but I don't feel comfortable going back while in a relationship, especially with someone I care about as much as him. One thing that I feel isn't talked about much in dancing is the desensitization of certain intimacies. While I never did any extras, in the beginning of our relationship I had a hard time sitting on his lap or letting him be handsy with my breasts or give back scratches without the emotional disconnect that happens when I was at work, I felt uncomfortable dressing up in something cute for getting intimate. Not sure why I'm posting but I guess it's because I want someone more than me to know that I miss dancing. I have a stable job, a calm routine life, back in school, and a loving man at my side that i wouldn't give up for anything, but I don't think I'll ever fully let go of the joy I had dancing, putting on a show.