u/Royal-Magicianm

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice (or just a safe place to vent) from others who understand the lifestyle. I'm not native English so sorry for my text. I also used GPT to help write this. (Also kinda new to Reddit)

I'm a 24-year-old F who was in an intense, long-term D/S relationship with my Master for about ~five years. To the outside world, I have a lot of personality and a busy life, but behind closed doors, I was fully his sub. It was friendly and constructive but incredibly deep. He trained me, honed me, and taught me how to be the best sub I could possibly be. We went through important life phases. I adored him. Every bit of his ways felt right to me. I hope everyone has a master like him at some point in their life.

About a month ago, we (well, "I") ended it. The reason was practical: this was an online-only dynamic with no future in real life. I realized I wanted to engage in real-life things and build a foundation that doesn't rely on a screen. To do that, I think I have to go through a phase of "de-subbing." I need to become less submissive I think? Or at least, not to him. I need to find my own footing outside of that role and prepare myself to meet people who aren't into the lifestyle. I'm really afraid to expose myself or make a fool out of me. People talk.

Anyway, it's been a month since the breakup, and it feels like i'm losing it. I still feel so close to him, almost physically attached in my mind. He was everything to me, and now he tells me he wants to be friends but can't continue as my Master because "it's what's best for me." (and he's right). I need to go to a next phase in life.

Here is the part that hurts the most: Why hasn't he found a new sub? I want to move forward and close that door.

He's a great Master. He does this really well. If he truly wanted to, or if he was just looking for someone else to fill the void, I'm sure he could get another girl real quick. But he isn't searching. It feels like this is also keeping me sit here in this limbo. Like it's not over yet.

I feel super physically bad right now. My orgasms feel empty and undeserved, I crave him so badly it hurts. I want to throw myself back at him, beg to go back to being his sub, but he's sort of firm on the boundary. He says he cares about me, which is why he won't let me stay in a role that isn't sustainable for my future.

I'm starting to wonder if he is looking and I just don't know it? Or does he not want anyone else? Did I break his heart? The worst part is that I wish he would get a new girl so I wouldn't be as tempted. If he moved on, maybe I could finally stop obsessing over the idea of "us" and focus on my own life again.

Does anyone else go through this phase where you feel completely purposeless once the dynamic ends? How do you deal with the physical craving when the emotional connection is severed? And how do I make sense of his silence regarding finding a replacement? Why does it feel like it's my problem that he doesn't have someone else?

Thank you for reading. Any advice or just words of encouragement to help me get past this "de-subbing" phase would mean the world right now.

Now I'm off to do my sub routines and training like I always do. There's just nobody to tell me 'good girl'.