u/SDFreddit

CW: Masturbation, Babyfur, Diapers, Explicit Intrusive Thoughts

I'm a 19y/o NB presenting masculine, turning 20 in about a month. Recently, I have been falling in and out of a mental and emotional spiral after I had a disturbing moment during self intimacy. I was enjoying a personal ageplay fantasy where I was the little while on call with a friend of mine, they were coaxing me along, and right before I ended up climaxing, a thought popped into my head. It was like I called myself the P-word, and for the split second between the thought and the climax, I could have sworn that I briefly enjoyed it.

Right after, my entire brain shut down emotionally for like half an hour as I went mostly nonverbal and tried to process what the hell had just happened. It's been almost 3 weeks since then, and over the course of that, a voice in the back of my mind has been echoing the same word at me over and over. On top of that, I've been dealing with intrusive imagery any time I was exposed to any depiction of a small child and it's terrifying.

A few days ago, I finally caved and searched up what to do, and learned about something called POCD (Pedophilia-themed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), which is basically a subset of POCD that preys on the fact that the person would never ever want to commit such a horrible action, and thinks that treating those thoughts with such emotional disdain makes them relevant, causing them to show up more and more.

I have never gotten diagnosed, so I don't know for sure, but what's been going on with me has almost been 1-to-1 accurate with the description of POCD. I've tried what many articles have suggested, trying to treat the thoughts passively, not engaging in compulsive actions, and on some level, it has worked. But I feel like I keep backsliding because I'm into age-play and abdl because those concepts instantly trigger the intrusive thoughts to show up.

I've had these intrusive thoughts for a while, years at this point, and have even gotten groinal responses from them which, but I never acted on them so they weren't as intense. But when I accidentally acted on one, it broke some kind of mental barrier, and now I'm trapped in a mental pit of self-hatred.

What's worse is that because I'm into ageplay and being little in such an intimate way, it's even harder to tell if I'm just a freak or a genuine monster. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to act out any fantasies I have in real life, intrusive or otherwise.

Not to mention the line between ageplay in roleplay and ageplay in visual or text based art is so blurred that it's hard to tell what's ethical or unethical, which doesn't help my situation at all.

I know going online and typing out this whole thing to try and gain some insight is definitely a compulsive action and will only worsen the problem, but I need help. I can't afford a therapist, and I'm stuck in a religious household, and only a handful of my close friends even know what's going on, so I'm just on my own within my own mind.

I'm not a monster, right? I don't want to be! I don't want to hurt anyone! I don't want to be evil!