u/SaltedButNotCured

Me: Salty, in both name and demeanor. I’m a delightful mix of “That sounds like a bad idea. Let's fucking go!” and “That was fun, but can we go home and wear sweatpants now?” My true loves are hockey, reading, nerdy shit, and ridiculously specific trivia. I'm a bit of a sarcastic asshole, curious about everything, and extremely susceptible to someone whose sense of humor might get them put on a watchlist. I also have significant professional-level nemesis burying experience, but we should discuss that in private.

What I’m looking for: Someone who can match my weird and raise with a dash of their own. Someone whose idea of a good vacation involves a tent and no cell service. Someone willing to lie to the authorities when necessary. Someone to go to hockey games with. Someone who knows how to properly roll me into a blanket burrito. Someone who can fold me like a lawn chair. A bar trivia teammate. Someone to debate which episode of Firefly is the best in my kitchen at midnight eating some random dessert I baked because insomnia. Someone willing to defend our actions in a court of law. Someone who will cook me dinner. Bonus points if you’re a goalie and/or play bass.

(Soup isn’t setting a new suggestion this week so I figured I’d keep it going since I missed the first round. Come join me and let’s do it again but even more unhinged this time!)

This guy. This seven foot tall, bright orange, goddamn mascot for an NHL team nowhere near where I live? Just hear me out.

He’s utter chaos. He is completely unhinged. Won’t lie, he’s kind of a dick sometimes. But he’s passionate and not afraid to be himself. He likes the same sport I do. He will gladly call someone out for being a dick. And he’s fucking hilarious. He’s exactly my type.

Also he could throw me around a little bit and I’d have to put in some work to hold him down. That’d be fun 😏

Bonus hockey related lewds for your viewing pleasure

Good morning Clewdles! This time around I want to see what you all like doing in your free time. What would you do if you had an entire day off to do what makes you happy? Show us your hobbies, what you build or make, games you play, whatever you like to do to pass the time. Go do it, and then come tell us all about it.

August is my Reddit break month, so I won’t be around to do a surprise every week. Instead of one week of this theme, we’re gonna carry it all month. So go out there and spend this month doing the things you love.

He’s lucky he’s cute so he can get away with it

I never seem to be able to get ready on time, but I never let it stop me 😘

I figured u/SoupOrSteak shouldn’t be the only one posting bass pics in here and before you ask, no I cannot play it. This one’s not mine. Give me an alto sax however and I can play some fantastic 80s sax solos for you. A little Careless Whisper for your listening pleasure perhaps?

This week’s Salty Surprise is simple, get silly with me. Yes sexy is good, but so is having a little fun with our slutty pics. Break out some toys, set up an entire photo shoot just to make a pun in your title, show us your best bad dance moves, get naked and tell us a joke, whatever makes you giggle. We just want to see y’all having some fun

As many of you know, the intersection of silly and sexy is one of my favorite spots to hang out. Because of that r/JustDickingAround is one of my favorite subs. It’s fun, silly, sexy, and honestly the breath of fresh air that NSFW Reddit needs. You should get silly with us here in Clewds and then go check it out and get even sillier over there. And now on to the narration for my post.

1: Holy Tits, Batman! This is going to be a bumpy ride

2: I don’t know if the Batmobile is rated for this steep of a grade. Where’s our shark repellent spray? That’ll probably help.

3: I don’t think that’s the right bat cave….

4: bonus gif because I thought it was funny

We’re doing a ‘Netflix and Chill’ theme tonight so get your cozy movie cuddle puddle pics ready

I never wear red. But I do sometimes paint my nails red and then make hand bras

I can’t be the only one old enough to have a favorite Rainbow Brite character can I? If you’re curious, it’s Patty O’Green, with a side of Shy Violet.

I’ll be honest, I got nothing. I just like this shot and wanted to share it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hello Clewdles! For this week’s Salty Surprise, I want to see y’all using mirrors to your advantage. Does this mean we want to see some poorly lit bathroom selfies with a toilet in the background? Nope. We want you to put some effort into your reflections this week please. Play with angles and lighting. Edit your mirror pics to create a certain vibe. Toss that mirror on the floor and lie down next to it and see what you create. Does anyone have a freestanding mirror that you can do that trick where it looks like you’re floating? Do that!

Whatever you do, have fun and get creative with it!

Reddit has actually done wonders for my own self-image. What I don’t tend to like much on myself are usually the things that y’all like to see. The dips and curves and lumpy bits and rolls and stretch marks. I don’t hate those bits nearly as much as I used to, which is actually really nice. I spent decades hating it all, and now I’m ready to spend decades on the other side.

All that being said, I rarely post pics in which I’m sitting. Or from the side. Those are the angles that I still don’t like much and I am extremely picky about the pics I post. But I took this pic almost 2 years ago and never deleted it. It shows all the things I don’t like, but somehow I still kinda like the pic. So I kept it. And never shared it. Until now.

Yeah, I got nothing in the caption tank this morning, but I do have adorable narwhal fundies