u/Sea_Chocolate1782

Another post I read caused me to consider: how far the withdrawal of sex from a relationship feels like a form of control.

I wonder how many people here feel like they can't express annoyance or disagreement or even usual negative moods (tired, grumpy, stressed) because to do so may mean any progress made to recovery of a sexual relationship with their spouse would be undone? Ah, you made me feel bad so that's another 6 months of relationship work required to get back to this point on the intimacy recovery path of already indeterminate lenght. It'll take a long time for me to emotionally recover/feel safe after you were grumpy for 30 minutes.

I recently refused to do something that caused detriment to my wife (to do it would have caused similar detriment to me - i wasn't being a dick, it was a rational decision) and got "is this because of lack of intimacy"? Whoah, there, where did that come from?

I also get the every time I'm grumpy/annoyed/upset about something my wife thinks it's to do with her, even when 99% of the time it's something completely unrelated to her. Rather than just ask "what you grumpy about, you grumpy prick?" she'll go all quiet and avoidant. Couple of thoughts on that: 1. I'm not a normal person who gets annoyed sometimes I'm actually a monster who could explode into violence at any second and she's terrified of me; or 2. she always assumes my grump/annoyance is about her because she feels guilty about lack of intimacy causing mood or that she pressured me into second nipper i didn't want (even though it'snever about her or that); or 3. she just does that whenever someone shows emotion. Who knows. She gets annoyed at least as often as I do and I always give it "hey, what's up?"

Does anyone else feel controlled and manipulated through sex, or rather lack thereof?

I stopped caring pretty much and just find these controlling behaviours annoying now. I wonder if that's how a couple go from being loving to being people living seperate lives but raising children together.

I'm not sure if this is a relationship advice thing. We're have a sexless marriage. 2 years completely sexless. My wife has no libido - hid the fact from me until I'd sired two kkds. She was married previously and I didn't twig until it was too late that her previous marriage was sexless (meaning she wasn't going to convince previous hubby to have kids) before she jumped to me.

I just want to note something weird and wonder if it's common in these situations. My wife was always an achiever from a young age, always did well in school etc. She now has a good career - we're both in the same profession.

She gets huge amounts of gratification from praise she receives and I'm guessing she got praised a lot for her academic achievements as a kid. It follows that as she's good at her job she gets a lot of happy feeligs and self worth from it. She's also massively conflict avoidant and absolutely cannot handle criticism, no matter how constructively or tactfully deployed (imagine how much fun that is in a sexless marriage). She got passed over for promotion last year and received some light criticism from her bosses as to the boxes she wasn't ticking to get the promotion - all constructive - and it was pretty much all she talked about for around 3 months, full on tears and sobbing, and she still complains about it now a full 9 months later.

She requires constant validation and praise and thanks otherwise she becomes distant and resentful and I have learned I must dutifully oblige. That applies to all her craft/baking hobby stuff she produces (not only must I praise the cake, I must eat it in preference to any other sweet until it's gone) and also mundane daily stuff. She'll tell me that she's done something too - today I got "I put youngest's stained t-shirt in soak with stain remover" (I do the laundry)... "amazing, thank you for doing that, I had noticed it needed attention" and very much not "yes, I saw it in the bowl in the laundry room".

The other side to this is that she thanks me for the most mundane shit "thank you for putting the recycling out" - it's just housework, doesn't require thanks. If we didn't live together I'd still do this (and everything else I do what with being a competent functioning adult).

But also, she never praises me anything I'm actually good at. For example, I can sit down at a piano and in a few minutes have the bones of a song - a beautiful one too. I have a talent and in a different timeline where I learned the piano as a kid I think I could have made a career out of it. My wife: silence. Not a peep. Has never mentioned it. Maybe she thinks I'm not actually good at it. And that goes for everything. I'm a very good cook and cook all our meals - apart from "thank you for cooking", silence. Maybe my food tastes bad.

Recently we both decided to lose weight and get fitter as the stress and time pressure of child-rearing meant we were carrying some flab. My wife goes swimming. I ask about her times, her split times, encourage her tell her how healthy and thin she's looking and she engages fully with that. I've been lifting weights and dieting and am lean and muscular now - best I've looked for years. She's not mentioned it, encouraged me or commented on my physique once.

Now, I'm not someone who needs praise. I do the things I do for me. But I find the requirement to constantly give praise faintly exhausting and as I never receive praise it's frustratingly one sided.

Is anyone else experiencing this in their sexless marriage? Anyone else's spouse conflict avoidant with a need for constant gratification from praise and from their work?