u/Show-Spiritual

Okay, I need some outside perspective because I'm genuinely starting to question whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm M(25) I've recently started dating this guy, M (23). It's still very early in the relationship, we're been talking for a month plus and officially became boyfriends about two and half weeks ago, which is honestly why I'm struggling with this so much.

From the beginning I've told him that communication, consistency and effort are really important to me. I'm not expecting him to text me all day or be available 24/7. If he's busy, that's completely fine. I just expect him to communicate that.

Recently he's been dealing with a lot of family, business and work issues. I've tried to be understanding and supportive, and I genuinely don't mind being there for him. But when he's overwhelmed, he tends to disappear.

He went MIA for several days (4), and I eventually had to ask him what was going on. He explained that he was overwhelmed and didn't want to bring all his problems into our relationship. We had a really deep conversation about it, and I told him that I understand needing space, but I'm his boyfriend, not a separate part of his life. If he needs space, he can literally just say, "Babe, I've got a lot going on, I'm going to be quiet today but we're okay." That's all I need.

He agreed and said he'd work on communicating better.

The next day, he told me he'd call me after some meetings. The meetings were supposed to finish around Mid day. I didn't expect him to call exactly then because obviously things happen, but he didn't message me either.

Later that afternoon he told me he'd been insanely busy and exhausted, but said he was still going to call me. I gave him multiple opportunities to cancel because he was clearly tired. I even offered to talk while I was walking home so he wouldn't have to call later.

He insisted he'd call.

He didn't.

He eventually messaged around midnight saying he'd passed out and would call me in the morning, he didn't call in the morning lol.

This is the second time he's done this.

And that's what bothers me. It's not that he was tired or busy. I understand that. It's that he said he was going to do something, insisted he was going to do it, and then didn't communicate when he couldn't.

There's also the issue of actually seeing each other. We're only a five minutes apart and I've seen him once. I've told him I want him to initiate seeing me more because I don't want to feel like I'm constantly asking to see my own boyfriend.

He has said things like "I'll try to come see you tomorrow," but then nothing actually happens and I have to figure out whether he's coming or not.

And here's where I'm struggling.

He was in a relationship shortly before me (they broke up two weeks before we started talking) and from what he's told me, he used to put significantly more effort into physically seeing that guy — driving to see him (30min away) multiple dates (6/7) spending time together, etc all in the space of two months/they dated for two months.

I'm not saying I want to be treated exactly like his ex or that I want their relationship. I'm saying I know he's capable of making that effort, so I'm confused about why I'm currently struggling to get basic communication and quality time.

I genuinely care about him, and I know he's going through a lot. I'm not expecting perfection. But I've already communicated what I need, we've had a serious conversation about it, and then I'm seeing the same behaviour immediately afterwards.

Am I being unreasonable?

Is wanting your boyfriend to communicate when he's going to be unavailable, follow through when he says he'll call, and actually make an effort to see you considered basic relationship expectations?

And for the gay guys specifically: is this normal in gay relationships? Is there some dynamic around needing space/independence that I'm not understanding?

Because I'm starting to feel like I'm fighting for basic effort at the very beginning of a relationship, and I'm wondering whether I should give him more time because he's genuinely overwhelmed, or take this as a sign that we're simply not compatible.

I don't want someone who is available 24/7.

I just want to feel like I'm actually in a relationship with my boyfriend.

So after getting nowhere on Grindr except hookups, rejections and people saying they wanted relationships when they clearly just wanted sex. Like imagine multiple guys pursed me because I said I wanted a relationship (they said they also wanted that) we would talk, hang out then when we eventually had sex they'd ghost me or make excuses so I decided to try Tinder instead.

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I matched with a guy I'll call Carl. He actually messaged me first and we hit it off immediately. Pretty early on I told him I wasn't looking for hookups. I wanted something serious, committed, and monogamous. He said that's exactly what he wanted too, which was great.

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We started talking every day like every single day, good morning messages, good night messages etc. First on Tinder, then Instagram, then eventually WhatsApp. We'd been talking for about two weeks and the conversations weren't surface level at all like the chemistry was there, we understood each other. We were telling each other personal things about our lives and families. He told me about losing his dad. I told him about my family situation. It felt like we were genuinely getting to know each other.

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The whole time he was telling me how attracted he was to me and I was saying the same, mind you we didn't really sext or share nudes. We'd tell each other we missed each other, that we liked talking to each other, and that we were developing feelings. At one point we were both basically saying we thought we were falling for each other, like yeah it does sound like it was moving fast but we both knew what we wanted or so I thought and were just going for it.

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I even checked in with him because I didn't want to come across too strong. I literally told him that if I was moving too fast or making him uncomfortable, he could tell me. I said I was completely open to hearing that. He reassured me every time and said he felt the same way.

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We were supposed to meet up this weekend. He was going to come over, we'd spend time together, relax, and finally get to know each other in person, so far we hadn't met irl.

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Last night my last message to him was basically goodnight, I'll miss you. He replied saying he'd miss me too and that we'd talk tomorrow.

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I then woke up the next morning and I guess he probably had a realisation that he wasn't into this because I sent him a good morning message and it stayed on one tick. A couple of hours later it was still one tick. Then I noticed I couldn't see his profile picture anymore. I sent another message and still nothing.

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So I checked Instagram and realised I'd been blocked there too.

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No explanation, No argument, No warning and No message saying he wasn't interested anymore. The last thing we'd said to each other was that we missed each other.

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I genuinely don't understand what happened. If I'd done something wrong, I gave him plenty of opportunities to tell me. If he lost interest, why not just say that? If he heard something about me from someone else then why not ask me about it first? We don't even really run in the same circles, so I don't know how likely that is anyway.

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Now I'm left sitting here wondering what I did wrong when the day before everything seemed completely fine. At the bare minimum of talking every single day for two weeks don't I at least deserve an explanation, should I make another account and message him for closure or just leave it as is ?

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Guys please try and do better and be better, it really sucks putting yourself out there time and time again and something like this happens.