It’s been over a year and I still miss my mommy
I just don’t know where else to express the pain and missing that I feel.
I also feel like I’m less entitled to sadness or yearning bc I’m poly and have a male CG. I am so grateful for that, but there was something so different and special about having a Mommy.
The three of us were in a polycule together and, at the end of the day, I don’t even know how attracted she was to me. This is also something I’m struggling with.
We met through the male that was in our polycule and she was always enthusiastic about including me. However. Her affections and love always seemed disproportionate to how much she actually knew me. I questioned a lot if she was attracted to me or the idea of me while together and whenever we talked about it, she was able to assuage my fears by saying she was excited for what we could build. I believed her.
When it stopped working for her, she broke up with the male, but just completely ghosted me.
Beyond the specialness of a Mommy, she was my first girlfriend, too. I’ve always been insecure about “owning” my queerness bc (1) I get straight-passing privilege and (2) my lack of experience. I finally was feeling solid in my identity and the ways I want to love and express love.
I lost my first girlfriend and she didn’t even break up with me. I know I’m responsible as well—I was too deferential and didn’t take enough initiative to really feel her out before jumping into the deep end. I should have checked in with her more and have been more intentional about carving out “just us” time.
I’m sure I’ll find a mommy someday, most likely when I’m not looking.
There was just something so special about that relationship and dynamic. I’m hurt to be without it and still hurting that I was likely just being used for performative queerness for male approval.
Thanks for listening 💜