Am I the problem? I just made things awkward
Here I am again posting and this one is a LONG ONE so please buckle up lol HAHAH. I would say things has been better for me these past few months as I've found a nicer SD than my previous ones. Though I don't know if I made I think I'm the problem at this point. I've been seeing this SD quite recently. We meet up every 3 days (usually) since I have classes and he has his own things to do.
Our first date was pretty good as he made me feel comfortable and didn't push on anything and I did end kissing him at the end of the M&G. Two things stood out to me though, he mentioned that he was hoping to find a woman he can settle down with eventually and he was just hopeful, I just simply nodded and said he seemed like a optimist. Second thing is when the date ended I asked him flat out if he wanted to be exclusive in the future? He was honest and said he was still talking to other girls and I said I was okay with that and he didn't push on any further. In my mind that just made things clear that this wasn't exclusive.
Fast foward to multiple dates (I lost track since we've been meeting so frequent) and finding out we were compatible. I was getting comfortable with him and he was with me. He began joking around meeting my parents and basically whisking me away and putting a ring on my finger. The first few times I just laughed and played along. I didn't think much of it because he was a divorced man of 10 years and I was thinking he's not the type to get married again since their divorce end up being messy (based on his stories) which he ends talking about most of the time with our dates. Fast forward when we were in bed and just literally "finished" he asked if it was okay for him to be honest. I said of course, then he said it stung him a little that I only see him as someone to have fun with.
Back then he asked what future did I want and I should exclude him from the context ( he asked this when it was our 3rd date) and I was honest and said I wanted to graduate get a stable job and hopefully move out of my country and explore. He then brought up if I wanted that he can just take me to the US and stay with him and we could travel the world together. So basically I'de marry him to get the green card and be a stay at home wife for him. Which nothing wrong with that, I did fantasize that way before I met him but of course I didn't want to solely depend on the man and still want to work. Of course I replied to him that I don't see myself staying in the US since the asian hate is crazy and for a 5ft woman who has no friends theee I don't think I can survive there. So he then explained how he would make it comfortable and etc. Again I just ended up brushing it off.
So every meet up he would always make a joke about that marriage, whisking me away, talking to my parents and etc. Which as much as I can just take it as a joke and brush it off but then my birthday happend which is literally just yesterday. He took me out to a very nice restuarant and we had a very lovely time. I mentioned that I need to ask something and we would talk about it at his place since the restaurant was too quiet and fancy which he agreed to. I wanted to ask him what type of arrangement do we have as for being exclusive because I have other offers that I might be interested in taking if the chemistry goes well. Fast forward to his place and the talk happened, at first he was so worried that I was gonna break up with him on my bday which I reassured him I wasn't. So I asked him if he was still talking to other girls which I continued that it would be fine as I'm only asking cause I wanted to know where we stood. He said he wasn't, not after we started going out continuously.
Then I explained that I wanted to be honest with him and didn't want to feel guilty if I ever end up entertaining someone else. He said that he doesn't want me to feel guilty but he would prefer if I just don't mention it to him while we're together which I totally understand and agreed with. He then continued saying that if I wanted exclusivity with him it would be a two way street and since he's situation is a bit complicated. Since he would be staying at L.A for around 2 months and he would be coming back here in my country and he couldn't promise me at this moment that he can be exclusive but he does really like me but he can't promise it and he doesn't want to lie to me. Knowing how lonely he can get by himself, I understood him and his needs, I was upfront that I really appreciate him being so nice and honest about it and I have no problem with it, I just wanted to be clear with him. Then he asked me if I did want to be exclusive with him which I said I would want that as it can get tiring for me to entertain multiple guys at the same time and would prefer to focus on one especially him since we get along but since we were on a ppm basis and he was going back to his country for several weeks, I needed to find someone else while he was gone.
He then mentioned that those are two different things, if I wanted to be real exclusive with him then I'm going to have to date him with intention that would end up in marriage. Of course I froze, I wasn't thinking about marriage at this moment as I took all of it as a joke back then, he did mention that all our jokes was just jokes but could be half meant. He then continued that if it was about him helping me out then he could do that. He continued that he does want to get married again and he was close two years ago that how he was almost engaged. At this moment I was in panic mode and felt that he was the type of person who rushes in with things and now I was the one blabbering. I immediately said that we should take a step back on what I said and I think it was for the best if we just forget about what we just talked about (I just felt so emberassed that I blurted out how I was looking to be exclusive with him earlier) he then said it was okay but if him helping out while he was away help me become exclusive to him he would be more than happy to do it.
He continued on that he was really flattered that I wanted to be exclusive with him since its been so long that anyone has wanted him and I was literally getting so emberassed by this point. After a couple of minutes of silence and just us watching a movie, he began teasing that he can just put a ring on my finger and he had no choice but to be exclusive with me. At this point I was just nervous laughing because that wasn't my intention for this talk. I then changed the subject about having birthday sex but he said he couldn't do the sex part but he can focus on my pleasure instead. I of course was bummed out as I'm the type to get off when my partner is also feeling good. So we just continued on with that and it was still good then he mentioned having to get home since it was late and I agreed. He then said he was looking for bday card all day but couldn't and he wanted to give me some money, I said the dinner was enough but I would prefer an actual gift instead of money he then smiled and looked excited that he can pick for me.
After a couple of minutes he tried to bring the topic up again of him helping me out while he was away and I said can we just talk about it another time? At this point I was just scrambling to find my stuff and I could feel some awkward tension between us with all the talk and sex being declined. So I was trying to just get out of there as soon as I can cause I felt stupid and tipsy from the dinner. He then booked me a ride and since I didn't want to end the day awkward, I just become clingy and was asking lots of kisses before leaving which I could see put him in a good mood. Then the night ended.
WHEW!!! I don't know if I'm asking for advice or anything but would appreciate your inputs. I really do like him and I'm to see him excited again. I'm genuinely happy with the time we're sharing 🩷