Last night, during a heated confrontation, my partner told me that sometimes he feels like hes taking care of a ten year old child and he doesnt want to.
For context,
I've called him Daddy for a year. I actually safeworded one time so I WOULDN'T say it because in the very begining he said he was not into being called Daddy in sexual situations. That same night, I explained why I had safeworded, and he told me I could call him Daddy, after I did later he started reffering to himself as Daddy all the time, not just during sex.
Last month, We had a long and honest discussion about our dynamic and he said he was all in in the relationship, he liked taking care of me and he wanted to be my Daddy in all the ways. He started telling me when bedtime was, started indulging my "smaller" side. Making sure I had my special stuffed animal, things like that.
It lasted for about two weeks before he just disappeared, and I found out he was emotionally, and probably physically cheating on me.
We are not boyfriend and Girlfriend, but we are, or we agreed to be, exclusive while figuring out our relationship. I basically live with him on the weekends my kids aren't home.
So hearing him say that when confronted about cheating, broke something inside of me I don't know how to fix.
Whether we DO work through this, or he chooses to end things with me when he comes home, I don't know how to trust anyone with this side of myself again. I was so sure of him.
He has apologized for saying it and said he didn't mean it, but it's sticking in my head.
I don't enter little space like a "normal" little. Theres no specific age, I don't FEEL like a child or a baby. I just feel drawn to and comforted by soft, warm things. A blanket, a squeeze water bottle. I like to watch animated movies when im over whelmed, and I sleep with squidhmellows sometimes when im having a really hard day. I suck on my fingers, he used to put his in my mouth when he saw me do it, I didnt ask and he never made me feel bad or ashamed for any of these things ever. He made me feel so safe with that side of myself. He told me he wanted it.
It feels like he said it deliberately to hurt me, I've told him alot of times how my abusive ex used to say something was wrong with me, and how he once said he would get my child taken away from me because I "am sick" and can't be an adult.
It feels the same as being hit, when I think about it. I get nauseous and my heart like, seizes and its hard to breathe.
I guess im just ranting here because I can't talk to anyone in my life about it.
Has anyone gone through something like this? Being afraid of entering Sub/Little Space again?