u/Spaceboy2xx1

I knew I wanted surgery by 16, I just didn't know what yet. I dove into research, planning, dreaming.

At 25, I am 5 years post top, 4 days from hysto/ooph, 5 months from pannulectomy consult, & 2 meta consults deep. I would guess I am a year to year & half from meta.

I decided long ago that I couldn't handle the constraints of phallo- Medicaid, a dwindling savings account, a condition that makes healing hard, an intolerance to discomfort, it adds up.

Meta is no cakewalk either, but it always seemed more manageable/feasible for me.

I know there's always the far off pipe-dream of getting phallo done later, but I don't foresee that.

I have tried very hard to find a rational excuse to make peace with this- "I'm a bottom/nonbinary anyway..." or "I will enjoy maintaining sensation..." Or I try to talk myself out of it all together because I fear I will be unhappy.

It can be heartbreaking to look at wonderful phallo/meta results or a beautiful cis penis.

To add insult, I have tiny bottom growth & it's buried. My first consult even said I was too small for her to UL.

I do hope when I finally get my meta I will be able to be happy with it or at least tolerate it like I did for my disappointing top surgery.

My surgeon even asked me what was important. I told him I could tolerate anything at this point. It will be better than the alternative, but not what I dream of.

I haven't struggled this much with top surgery or even my decision for my hysto + ooph.

With top surgery, i was so excited to have it done, like Christmas or something.

Bottom surgery, to me, feels like getting a tooth pulled. So much anxiety/fear, but knowing it will make me feel better so it needs to be done.

Being non-binary my feelings about my genitals fluctuate but some things have always remained constant.

I have thought about meta for over 9 years now, obsess over it on my dysphoric weeks. Other weeks I'm like eh, i can live like this.

There was a time years ago that I had severe bottom dysphoria & packed 24/7.

The facts are clear: I stopped liking penetration years ago. I developed painful atrophy that I refuse to use my cream for. I disassociate during sex. I loathe having to hold my pee until I can find a toliet. I hate invasive internal exams. My anatomy is just a weird blob.

Obviously I know there's different options, but I always said if I was getting it done, I'd just get everything done, UL especially.

I found a surgeon, we won't be moving forward until my tummy tuck consult with his colleague in November, but now I'm getting cold feet again.

I guess...I don't know what's freaking me out. This organ has been a part of me for a long time. It's not perfect, but I'm used to it. Recovery & the subsequent 3 surgeries are a long, painful process. Fear of things going poorly, adjusting to new anatomy, the unknown.

After top surgery i didn't heal well & I never got my sensation back. Never orgasming again would suck.

And while I know it's shallow, I am concerned about it affecting future relationships. I suppose it could help my cause, depending on what way the person swings.

I just need to find a way to keep my head in the game & see this through, i guess.