hey ive wondered about this for ages and this is the only community that might understand where im coming from 😭
i was first raped at 16 by my older boyfriend while i tried to sleep after coming back from the club. tbh i think i could have stopped it? and even then there was a part of me that was almost curious about what he would do and how far he would go. i was on my front and he started fucking me prone bone. It was weird like i didn’t feel any sensation i usually moaned too loud during sex but i was just completely silent and still. I think that bothered him and he was trying to wake me up a bit while pounding me. Lying on top of me he reached down and tried to finger me and his nail was sharp or something and it hurt and it snapped me out of it and i just leapt out of the bed and ran to the bathroom. cried a bit and calmed down and went back to sleep in bed next to him.
the next morning he was really insistent we have sex since he didn’t cum the night before. I didn’t want to and was just hungover but he kept pushing until i just said fine. and again very silent sex on my side like i felt nothing.
We dated for 6 months more after that where it definitely happened a few more times but i don’t remember the details. once was anal and super painful but i don’t remember how.
This was 7 years ago and holy fuck i’ve been in so many unconsensual situations since. Somehow i’ve not been impacted by those times like that first time. I’ve done EMDR therapy addressing this memory too, I had half repressed it idk hard to describe. Now at least i can talk about it I genuinely could not even say the word rape for years.
I have definitely put myself in dangerous situations to experience that curiosity of « how far will they take it » again. 4 years ago, I saw a guy multiple times because in the morning he would wake up first and be really touchy. and i would pretend to be asleep and feel how badly he wanted it and how he had to restrain himself. I’d be in my brain so on guard and overthinking but also very horny. He never crossed the line further than groping and rubbing his dick on me.
I started setting up scenarios to see how far he would go. would he keep on going if i took a break during sex and pretended to fall asleep drunk. on and on. i don’t remember all the details but i was never 100% successful but i guess that’s probably good?
Then 3 years ago i got assaulted by my housemate but you know what lets not go into that one.
and since then i’ve had consensual relationships only i think. had a boyfriend for 2 years who had a very low sex drive. and he never knew that next to him at night I was daydreaming about being raped.
for ages now every night before bed i play out a scenario in my head, from the point of view of the rapist. and i imagine every thought he must have and his lack of restraint and how he’s so consumed like an animal he can’t stop himself. the victim is always an anonymous blob, i don’t like imagining her as me.
i’ve told my therapist i use it to fall asleep, but i’ve not fully confessed that it does excite me and the thought turns me on.
anyways here is my confession
if you related to any of this i’d love to hear it because honestly i feel pretty alone and weird on this one