u/SurfFly

Again, to each their own and I'm all for what works for you...so take what works from my words and leave the rest. I'm not looking for consensus. I'm hunting for what makes my/our lives elevated.

There is so much noise in this space that distracts from the main premise but this space also attracts some really awful ideology so to some degree it comes with the territory.

Our dance, our balance is rooted in elegance, communication, sensuality and love and that is what works for us. That is what gives me energy. He's certainly not what this space would call a "sub" and our play is rooted in him bending the knee and that is sexy as fuck to me. He bends the knee and he attends and addresses my whims, desires, interests and kinks with joy. I would not enjoy this at all if he was a simpy, soulless, whiny soft man begging for direction. I get that works for some and I love that it works for others but that is not us and that is ok. All of this space is ok for everyone to enjoy and explore in ways that work for you.

However, and this is where a certain section of the community gets super triggered, If feminine dominance is supposed to be about a certain level of freedom of expression and taking control of one’s sexual identity and orgasm, which is the case for me, then why is so much of this space subverted by such awful ideological constructs?  What really hurts for so many to hear is that I don't know one woman anywhere in my life, my family and social circles and spheres of influence, who would want a soulless simpy, feminine, whiny, soft partner groveling at their feet I'm begging for direction begging to be lead. Call it a "hot take", call it what you want, but it's just not in line with the human condition or the human relationship structure to function normally and in a healthy manner. This whimpy, simpy image is certainly in line with the porn fantasy that takes all of this out of context and puts it into some place that is awfully separated from anything approaching functionally and mutually beneficial for a loving couple.  (Word salad?)

And….. this is generally where the vitriol and the hate begins coming into my inbox.  You do you but I've said this before and it's probably the reason why I've been quiet for so long is that after I post these types of messages, I get pounded by the porn traders and the pros domes, who are trying to troll from men in this space.

Now all that said, it's not like I'm above creating play scenes that incorporate some of this. That's the fun part and that's where the healthy stuff and the healing begins and all of that love and learning and healing and all that stuff we talk about take place. That's for sure part of it.  In addition, I'm not above stalking, reading and keeping tabs on some of the other communities where I hear women complain about “no real men out there” and at the same time they keep promoting the fantasy of what this space is to that same male fantasy or whatever….

Maybe I'm not eloquently laying this out but for the most part, at least for me anyway, this was about defining some things for me and then having some real difficult conversations about how these things can satisfy some part of me and that can work for us in our relationship.

So, here’s the thing, if at any time you are rooting the conversation or your rant about hating men, then the difficult truth to process is……. it's your fault.  If you're creating a false illusion for men and then complaining about men not “meeting your needs”, then it's your fault. There is a massive cultural lack of accountability these days because all of our feeds are telling us that nothing is our fault, It's always someone else's fault and we can’t escape that in this space either. We can't post and write about one thing and then complain about another.....

Blah blah blah …….where is this going?

I've lamented this before, but what is being offered, what is being couched as an entry level to this space is really not that inviting for other women on most levels.

So… what I am not so gently offering or suggesting is that on a larger scale most people, not all… but most people would be more open to an elegant and sensual version of a dynamic shift, that during play, emphasizes sensuality, love, intimacy, communication and a focus on what the woman would like to do an experience during play. Now before people start chiming in…. as today they are trained to do, and find all the holes and unsaid obvious exceptions here….this is not to say we overlook the needs of our partners, it means the dynamics, the gentle shift of dynamics can start with “What would a dominant play session look like and be fulfilling for the woman?”

I'll leave it there because that's as far as I think most people can go these days, what with their head in their phones…. but what is often dragged into this dynamic is this awful representation of weak, simping men and although that can be fun to play with and fun to explore when, the play session is over, for most couples, not the niche that wants to live like this 24/7, but for most couples, when the play is over and we acquiesce back to a common shared experience, there needs to be some expectation that all play and all intimacy must be healthy and healing for both.

Most of you know I loathe the language that you all have come up with in this space.  I even hate the word dynamics but in our relationship, what was difficult for me to communicate was that I wanted whatever our intimacy was going to be like to be healthy and fulfilling for us both and part of that included me wanting to have more meaningful orgasms.  Plain and simple. What we stumbled into and what HE heard and took to heart immediately was,  “Oh my God I certainly can do that for you!  I'm eager to do that for you.  I feel like a King when I'm making you climax.”

And on many levels that's where our play began and I began playing with the idea of me directing some of this playtime and it opened up so many doors and so many avenues for us. What I enjoy, what works for me and what works for us as a couple is that this play is rooted in elegance, sensuality, strength, communication, vulnerability, healing and love. I'm sure I’m leaving out a few adjectives that you all can probably fill in, but you don't make it 30 plus years in a marriage without learning some tough lessons and letting go of some awful ideas you might still be carrying.

So, when I say the elegance of dominance is my jam… what I'm really saying is that this is what works for us and that needs to be enough for us.  It needs to be enough for all of us.