u/Tadleyrichter

I always assumed this was just me but whenever I relapse and use for a couple weeks, I can never sleep. I’ll smoke weed on top of it, Benadryl, sleepytime tea with valerian root. Nothin works. What do yall do in this situation?

Say you planned to use h for the first time in a long time but you’re on 2mg suboxone daily. How many days before would you stop taking subs to get a better bang for your buck? Could you just not take them the day of or would it still be pretty muted

Over the weekend I left a SMART recovery meeting and I wanted to use so bad. For a second, I considered just biting the bullet and doing what’s available in my city, even called somebody to set something up. But as I imagined the potential aftermath, I realized it probably wouldnt be worth it and I just went home and pampered myself in other ways for the night. And that’s not the first time that’s happened. I swear all this clean time I have, I wouldn’t have it if real dope was still on the street... I wish the d-boys knew this and would pass the message upward. Yes the 🧅 fields exist but I’d guess for most of us it ain’t as easy to maintain a stash that way and for me, someone who eventually wants to stay sober and can’t afford a real junk habit for long, it’s just not necessarily realistic to keep having to re-learn how to do it every year and buy a new usb drive and blahblahblah

So the past couple weeks, I was emotionally downtrodden and having a ton of cravings and planning a relapse basically, though I didn’t get around to pulling the trigger and focused instead on talking to my therapist and listening to podcasts to learn how to process, understand, and transcend my state of mind to hopefully just be happier in the long run. And those things worked!

Today I feel I really turned a corner, and yet…I still can’t back off this relapse plan. And it just makes me wonder…what is it going to take to make me turn my back forever? Or will I? Sometimes I think it’s just a matter of time til I either surrender completely and follow it down to a rock bottom like I’ve never seen in my 12 years of addiction, or that a relapse will finally be too much and I’ll lose my life permanently. And sometimes I wish for the latter. I hate to perpetuate the notion that all the setbacks and struggle that come with a long term opioid addiction make a life worthless and hopeless, but man. The amount of clean time I’ve had where I was still just struggling to find purpose and joy in life…it really just sometimes feels like, give me my drug of choice or give me death 🤷‍♂️

Idk mostly just venting. But anybody else feel this?