Bliss to uncollared in two years
When she first came into my life I was careful. I really really tried to be. I'd been burned too many times and I was terrified of it happening again. But I also wanted to be brave.
She felt like a true, genuine dream domme. One that randomly found me and wanted to get to know me and eventually claim me. We were a near perfect match, I introduced her to my favourite type of dynamic and she ended up loving it.
We fell for each other and it turned into more than just a dynamic, we were girlfriends and both expressed our love unambiguously and everything was perfect. It felt like it would be like that forever.
She helped me heal, become more of who I am again. Become confident in myself, my value and especially my value as a submissive again.
Then issues started coming up. Her trauma. I tried to help. Health issues and pain. I was there. Shitty life struggles. I waited. Of course these kind of things will affect a D/s dynamic so I tried to give myself hope, communicated and tried to be patient. Take care of myself. A year passed. It still didn't feel how it used to. Six more months. A few flickers of hope that didn't last. And six more months.
Now I've taken my collar off. After over two years wearing it every day I've made this 'break' from being owned official even though I haven't felt like I've been truly hers in so long.
I love her so much but I can't be her sub anymore and I'm terrified of the fact that I don't know when she will be able to meet my needs again. If she ever will. If anyone can. I tried so hard to do everything right, make sure that this time I would get my happily ever after. And now I feel more hopeless than I have in a long, long time.
The worst part is that because of how perfect it all used to feel, I'm not sure I could even find someone to fill that void. Just a broken sub forced to grow up and realise that maybe the kind of thing I'm after is often impossible to find and even when it finds you and you try your hardest to do everything right, you still might end up right back where you started, just with that much more baggage and grief and trauma.
I'm not sure I have enough strength left to be brave like that again.