u/UpstairsSea144

A lot of advice I read on here about how to discuss allowance seems centered on how to avoid triggering POT SDs’ insecurities. It seems standard for POT SBs to wait for an offer, and when he doesn’t make one, she better be strategic: don’t mention it too early, don’t be too honest, cushion it in flirty banter, do a peacock dance over eggshells. Implications are that it’s wrong for SBs to expect this info upfront, taboo to talk about plainly or at all, worse to want a gift at M&G.

My standards are different partly because the one SD I dated had no qualms about giving (which is how I am and what I initially expected to be the standard for sugar dating). He gave an offer in his first message, in a paragraph introducing himself and his wants and questions. He offered his full PPM right away, as he assumed it’d help me feel comfortable at the M&G (it did). After the first messages, we didn’t need to talk about money again. When I wrote about him on this subreddit, I was told most guys won’t match his standard because of the risks of getting scammed or rinsed - as though the SD I saw didn’t face the same possibilities.

My standards are different partly because I too give without qualms, I love giving without expectations in return. I’ve befriended many homeless people who I’ve gotten to share my paychecks with, ever since I started working. (Edit: and I’ve rarely talked about this, but who does it help to never share how I think?). Giving brings me relief, knowing they’re better for it, even if only a little. It incites hope, happiness, and confidence in my purpose. It’s not that people like this are foolish to reality. We protect against liars too but can’t be stopped by them. And I don’t believe rinsers or liars are what stop others from matching us, not truly.

I’ve often seen in men’s bios, “I sugar date because I don’t have time for vanilla dating” .. Or they’ll say unprompted, “I don’t need to pay for sex and affection from young women, I only choose to because of such and such” (usually adverse reasons like “my unhappy marriage”, never “because I enjoy giving”). Even when these defenses are believable, I hear their tacit disdain: “Paying for this makes me feel ashamed. I resent this integral aspect of sugar dating. I struggle to manage my fears, so I offload that work onto others. By the way, I have MANY options”….and so on. If you relate to these negative feelings, isn’t it better not to pursue SRs?

TLDR: I think gifting at M&G’s and higher standards of giving should be standard in SRs, and enjoyed by both parties. But allowance is often treated as a ginger topic, carefully positioned around not triggering a POT’s insecurities. As someone who avoids vanilla dating and prefers sugar for its perceived straightforwardness, why? We have to be honest to feel better.