u/Vantage48

Hey everyone, looking for some perspective or maybe just a sanity check from guys who have been navigating the online dating/hookup scene for a while.

To give you a little context on where I’m coming from.

I’m a professional, educated, married bisexual man (MWM) in my 40s. My wife knows about my sexuality, in fact, we have actually played together over the last few years. Because of my professional life and my marriage, complete and total discretion is an absolute requirement for me, and I give that exact same level of respect and privacy in return.

Right now, I am looking for a personal FWB connection just for myself. If everything goes incredibly well down the road, there is a possibility she might join in at times but that is absolutely not a requirement, nor is it a guarantee. I’m focused on finding a solid, one-on-one connection first. A friend. Not looking for a relationship or anything romantic.

However, I’m finding it incredibly frustrating to find a middle ground out here between hyper-sexualized, instant-gratification chats and people who claim they want a “friend first” but immediately treat you like a job application.

It feels like you constantly run into two extremes:

The Instant Transaction, Where the conversation is instantly, aggressively graphic, and you’re immediately reduced to body parts or a single metric before a hello is even exchanged.

The “Not Like Other Guys” Gatekeepers, Guys who explicitly state they want a connection, a real friend, and “more than just sex,” but their very next thing is a picture of their dick or ass.

I guess I am the odd one because I would rather see the person and chat and meet to see if the vibe is right before that. Trust me if we get to that place in pictures or IRL it is going to be hot and I will be totally into it. But seriously, is a dick pic the best most can do? Is it that limited to body parts and transactional in the gay and bi community?

As an educated guy who values actual substance, it’s exhausting trying to find a normal, masculine, chill vibe where people can just talk like human beings, protect each other’s privacy, build a little rapport, and let the physical side happen naturally without it being a high-pressure interview.

A few questions for y’all.

Why does the digital community feel so split between hyper-sexual transactionalism and intense, checklist-driven gatekeeping?

For those who have actually found quality, real friends-with-benefits or genuine connections online, where are you looking, and how are you filtering out the noise?

What are the green flags you look for in a profile or initial messages that signal someone is actually down-to-earth, discreet, and capable of a normal conversation?

Appreciate any insight or advice you guys have.

Hey everyone, looking for some perspective or maybe just a sanity check from guys who have been navigating the online dating/hookup scene for a while.

To give you a little context on where I’m coming from.

I’m a professional, educated, married bisexual man (MWM) in my 40s. My wife knows about my sexuality, in fact, we have actually played together over the last few years. Because of my professional life and my marriage, complete and total discretion is an absolute requirement for me, and I give that exact same level of respect and privacy in return.

Right now, I am looking for a personal FWB connection just for myself. If everything goes incredibly well down the road, there is a possibility she might join in at times but that is absolutely not a requirement, nor is it a guarantee. I’m focused on finding a solid, one-on-one connection first. A friend. Not looking for a relationship or anything romantic.

However, I’m finding it incredibly frustrating to find a middle ground out here between hyper-sexualized, instant-gratification chats and people who claim they want a “friend first” but immediately treat you like a job application.

It feels like you constantly run into two extremes:

The Instant Transaction, Where the conversation is instantly, aggressively graphic, and you’re immediately reduced to body parts or a single metric before a hello is even exchanged.

The “Not Like Other Guys” Gatekeepers, Guys who explicitly state they want a connection, a real friend, and “more than just sex,” but their very next thing is a picture of their dick or ass.

I guess I am the odd one because I would rather see the person and chat and meet to see if the vibe is right before that. Trust me if we get to that place in pictures or IRL it is going to be hot and I will be totally into it. But seriously, is a dick pic the best most can do? Is it that limited to body parts and transactional in the gay and bi community?

As an educated guy who values actual substance, it’s exhausting trying to find a normal, masculine, chill vibe where people can just talk like human beings, protect each other’s privacy, build a little rapport, and let the physical side happen naturally without it being a high-pressure interview.

A few questions for y’all.

Why does the digital community feel so split between hyper-sexual transactionalism and intense, checklist-driven gatekeeping?

For those who have actually found quality, real friends-with-benefits or genuine connections online, where are you looking, and how are you filtering out the noise?

What are the green flags you look for in a profile or initial messages that signal someone is actually down-to-earth, discreet, and capable of a normal conversation?

Appreciate any insight or advice you guys have.