r/MarriedAndBi

My husband is bi and even been together for almost 10 years. To paint the picture, we’re both professionals, with kids, and expecting another on the way. We’re pretty much exhausted by the end of the day, but we haven’t had sex in so long. We used to watch porn together and watch what he likes to watch. The only time he’s kinda open about it is when he’s drunk, which also makes me sad because what if he’s out there drunk and getting intimate with guys. I want to be a part of it and enjoy it too.
All in all, we haven’t been intimate and our sex life has gotten so boring. No matter how much I’ve talked to him about it, there’s no initiative. On top of that, he works from home, so I have a feeling he could be at home pleasuring himself with all his toys, yet I’m over here dry as the desert and trying to masturbate quickly driving home.
It’s like he’s hiding his true self when it’s just the 2 of us and it makes me sad. How do I address this?

Hope this comes across ok and helps any guys who are in in a similar place to where I was a few months ago ..

Brief history .. guess I’ve always know I’ve had an attraction to men , probably most of my adult life .. right to back to my teens in the late 80’s.. most of these thoughts were kept on the back burner so got married, family etc and carried on as a regular straight guy ..

internet came along in the 2000’s .. I occasionally dabbled in looking at gay porn but always told myself I was straight so left it for a while then would always return again later ..

These thoughts / feelings bubbled on for years .. on / off looking at gay porn, guess it intensified as my sex life with my wife drifted off ..

Jump forward to 2025, no sex or proper relationship with my wife for about 7 years ..

Porn, predominantly gay was taking over me, thoughts of sex with men , wanting to wear panties, wanting to shave my body and wanting to use anal sex toys was what I thought about.. a lot .!

I did secretly buy a dildo to use .. and did enjoy it ..

Well in the end .. it happened, wife’s are good at suspecting.. I had to hand over my phone .. all was exposed ..!

It was make or break time for our marriage, it took sometime to confess / talk about everything .. but in the it all came out ..

Must say .. best thing that ever happened..

Now .. 9 months later .. this is how we are ..

Our love for each other has grown and grown , we both have a box of sex toys , i shave all over as I love a smooth body, my wife will help, I enjoy wearing panties at any opportunity, we can talk about anything.. sex, sexual desires , bi , gay , sexy men, sexy women ..

I cannot say how grateful I am to her understanding, respect and the overall love she has given me ..

I do understand I’ll probably never engage in sex with a man but I do believe I have enough fulfilment to stay 100% committed and faithful to my wife .

I know it’s a bit of a ramble, but I hope it can help any guys who are in a mess mentally like I was ..❤️

Last night, my wife (F mid30s, straight) and I (M late 30s, bi) attended our first sex club, and I figured it would be good to discuss with the wider community, because I’m interested in opinions and maybe there’s others with questions. Not that it matters, but we’re both decent looking (obviously I think she’s gorgeous) and in good shape (of course could be better, but let’s be real; we aren’t in our 20s anymore and we have a couple of kids).

We went to the Boudoir event run by Virtue&Vice in Melbourne, Australia. For those unfamiliar, it’s a female-led event that doesn’t allow any masc presenting people unless they’re there with a femme presenting person (maximum 2 masc to 1 femme with a trio ticket, and if the femme leaves then all mascs with them have to leave too). There’s a big focus on safety, consent (there are Consent Angels walking around to put a stop to uncomfortable behaviour), and just general not-being-a-dickishness. There’s a bar, but you’re warned not to get sloppy and retain control, and you can have your phones but can’t pull them out except in dedicated areas. No photos unless everyone is consenting and you’re in front of a dedicated blank wall.

We had gone in with three main hopes:

1. To see if we had the courage to play in public. That’s a real turn on for me but my wife is very hesitant on it.
2. To see if there was someone willing to spank me, as it’s something I want to try and not something my wife is into.
3. To find a guy that would be willing to be my first. I only came out to myself after we were engaged. She’s been so supportive of everything and is happy for me to experience being with a guy, and we thought maybe this would be a good way to try.

Importantly here, before I start laying out my thoughts, I want to be really clear that nothing I say is meant as kink shaming or shaming in general. To each their own, and as long as there was consent, then awesome for everyone involved.

Now, on to our thoughts on the matter, and I hope the formatting works when I’m doing this on the mobile app.

The good:
\\- we had a great time. The staff were welcoming and helpful, the Consent Angels were a nice touch, and it was warm and comfortable considering we were just in underwear on a freezing Melbourne night.

\\- we were brave enough on our first try at this to end up playing twice; once for a handjob on a couch and once to actually fuck in the play space in the main room. That was a surreal experience, sharing a bed with another couple also fucking and someone behind us having a heated discussion.

\\- there was a good mix of people there in regards to gender, background, kinks, and sexuality, and everyone we interacted with was polite and kind.

\\- personal one for me, but there was a surprising amount of paw print paraphernalia, ears, tails, and even a full pup mask. The theme was mysticism, so a lot was just that, but some definite pet/puppy play stuff. As someone who has been into that for a few years, it was a pleasant surprise to find it out in the open as much as I did.

\\- even though we didn’t meet all our goals, it was nice to also go back to the hotel afterwords and have my wife peg me hard, and then do it again this morning in the shower. We’ve never done that outside of home before, never in the morning, never in the shower, and never twice in 8 hours, so that was a bit of a bonus “exceeds expectations” goal that was checked.

The bad:
\\- Consent Angels only go so far, and there was a couple of times when there was a guy getting a bit too close to a couple trying to play, being told to back off, and saying no. I think they were all sorted out in the end, but still not great to see.

\\- you’re supposed to dress down, but there was a high number of men just in street clothes, it seemed. One of the above creepy guys was in a tshirt and jeans. A few others were in full suits. Not on theme and not dressed down, so I’m not sure what the point of the rule is if you don’t enforce it. They even stop everyone at the door that’s in street clothes and tell you to dress down first.

\\- not shaming here, but there was a shockingly high amount of coke and pills use. I feel like we’re too naive here, because we don’t partake and neither do any of our friends, so it was just surprising. Like I said about the bar, you’re supposed to remain in control and not get sloppy (consent needs full mental faculties, after all), but there was at least one person we saw who was completely out of it on something, looking like they were about to collapse, and a few others who looked twitchy and ready to snap. It was hard to not feel a little on edge when near those people.

\\- again, not shaming, and as long as there was established consent then awesome, but… I wasn’t expecting the sheer number of male dom relationships there. I’m all for it, I’m into it, we play around in that scene a lot (and the opposite), but some of them left me feeling a little uncomfortable personally, because of all the choking. Again, do your thing and I’m also into breath play, but something about the way it was done made the whole thing feel aggressive and more about needing to TAKE power than have power freely given, if that makes sense. We would be on the dance floor, and then suddenly the guy dancing next to us would have his hand around his partner’s throat, squeezing while she gasped. It came out of nowhere, it felt aggressive, and a few times I forgot where I was and nearly stepped in to help her. And this happened multiple times with multiple couples. So I hope it was all consensual and she was into it each time, and had agreed in advance that it could be done like that. And I hope there’s a real relationship underneath the act.

The disappointing:
\\- it was amazing that we met one of our goals on the first try, but I had my expectations too high. It was disappointing to not hit the others. I had hoped to be with a guy before I turned 40 but it looks like that won’t happen.

\\- regarding the spanking, there was a woman that seemed to be working there and was dedicated to walking around with a bag of instruments, spanking willing women. I wish I had the courage to ask if she would spank me too. Maybe she only did women, maybe there was a prearranged thing, I don’t know. It just felt like asking would have cost nothing and been such an easy box to check, but I didn’t do it. My biggest regrets will always be the things I didn’t try.

\\- as for finding a guy to fuck me while my wife watched (and maybe joined in)…it was a bit of a blow to my ego. On the one hand, super proud of myself for making a move and asking someone if they would want to play (first time asking a guy, first time asking anyone besides my wife in 14 years), and they were very sweet in their rejection, but it stung a bit. Of all the masc presenting people I was attracted to, it was hard to tell if any of them were even into other guys, so I didn’t work up the nerve to ask them. It’s also worth noting, though, that we saw NO obvious masc on masc action, but a lot of femme on femme.

\\- additionally, nobody ever approached us at all about any kind of play, which was kind of an ego drop. We were both looking and feeling quite good, and we didn’t NEED that validation, but it would have been nice. But that feels like I’m complaining about nothing.

Final thoughts:
\\- would we go back? Probably not. We had fun, but it felt like we checked a box and it doesn’t need to be something we do on the regular. Especially given the difficulty of organising babysitting, getting a hotel, etc.

\\- in saying that, if they ever ran a queer one that would make it easier to find that right guy, we would go to that.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read these pointless ramblings.

Hey everyone, looking for some perspective or maybe just a sanity check from guys who have been navigating the online dating/hookup scene for a while.

To give you a little context on where I’m coming from.

I’m a professional, educated, married bisexual man (MWM) in my 40s. My wife knows about my sexuality, in fact, we have actually played together over the last few years. Because of my professional life and my marriage, complete and total discretion is an absolute requirement for me, and I give that exact same level of respect and privacy in return.

Right now, I am looking for a personal FWB connection just for myself. If everything goes incredibly well down the road, there is a possibility she might join in at times but that is absolutely not a requirement, nor is it a guarantee. I’m focused on finding a solid, one-on-one connection first. A friend. Not looking for a relationship or anything romantic.

However, I’m finding it incredibly frustrating to find a middle ground out here between hyper-sexualized, instant-gratification chats and people who claim they want a “friend first” but immediately treat you like a job application.

It feels like you constantly run into two extremes:

The Instant Transaction, Where the conversation is instantly, aggressively graphic, and you’re immediately reduced to body parts or a single metric before a hello is even exchanged.

The “Not Like Other Guys” Gatekeepers, Guys who explicitly state they want a connection, a real friend, and “more than just sex,” but their very next thing is a picture of their dick or ass.

I guess I am the odd one because I would rather see the person and chat and meet to see if the vibe is right before that. Trust me if we get to that place in pictures or IRL it is going to be hot and I will be totally into it. But seriously, is a dick pic the best most can do? Is it that limited to body parts and transactional in the gay and bi community?

As an educated guy who values actual substance, it’s exhausting trying to find a normal, masculine, chill vibe where people can just talk like human beings, protect each other’s privacy, build a little rapport, and let the physical side happen naturally without it being a high-pressure interview.

A few questions for y’all.

Why does the digital community feel so split between hyper-sexual transactionalism and intense, checklist-driven gatekeeping?

For those who have actually found quality, real friends-with-benefits or genuine connections online, where are you looking, and how are you filtering out the noise?

What are the green flags you look for in a profile or initial messages that signal someone is actually down-to-earth, discreet, and capable of a normal conversation?

Appreciate any insight or advice you guys have.

43(m) with 44(f) gf. We’ve been dating for over a year and live together. Very early on I let her know I’m sexually bi. Romantically straight. She was accepting but any time I talk about it she changes the subject. So being someone that genuinely cares, I don’t push it. But at the same time… there are times I wish I could be open and not repress that side of me. I don’t want to build resentment. But it is a big part of who I am and I feel discarded when she ignores that part of me. I always make her feel loved, wanted, and cared for. That’s important to me. But I wish she would be more receptive to all that I am.

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting on Reddit but it seems like this group may be able to help me out. I am married for 7 years and 2 kids with I wife that I deeply love. For a couple of years now I have considered myself somewhat bicurious but have never had any experience with another man. I never have really thought about talking about it to anyone but lately I feel like I may have gotten a hint from my wife that she may suspect something.

I had gone out with one of my guy friends and she had asked me if she has anything that she needs to be concerned about, to which I reassured her nothing is going on. I initially thought that she may have thought I was out cheating with a woman but she then asked if I was cheating on her with my friend. I assured her nothing is going on and that I would never cheat on her. She then asked if I would tell her if it was a woman or a man or whatever I'm into. It kind of took me back as this is the first time she has ever mentioned something like this.

I now am having a really hard time with if I should bring up my feelings about men to my wife. Like many others on here I love her more than anything and have no intention of doing anything to break us apart. She isn't particularly a sexual person in nature and would be considered pretty "vanilla", even though we have brought toys into the bedroom a while ago. I am usually the one to bring up different fantasies and whenever I ask she says she doesn't have any. Things have slowed down sexually since the kids which is understandable however it makes it seem like now is a terrible time to bring anything like this up. We are both really busy and stressed with work and life and doesn't seem like I would be able to talk about this anytime soon.

The anxiety of this feels like it is ripping me apart and I am so scared to voice anything for fear of her leaving me. I have already scheduled an appointment with a therapist to help talk things through, but I have already found a lot of comfort in reading posts on this subreddit. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Hello everyone, i am a 37 year old male in Oregon state, and i recently came out as bisexual to my wife. I know that in this day and age it’s not a huge deal but coming up from the back ground i have it kind of was a big deal for me to come to terms with and to actually say it out loud. My wife is also bisexual, and is supportive thank the gods. But when i get to the point where i want to go out and explore myself, i feel guilty about it. Not the fact of wanting to be with men, but like the fact that im married and doing it. Even if she gives me the go ahead. I was just curious if it is like that for anyone else? Or is it just me?

I'm 30F, in a monogamous marriage with a 46M, with a child who's his. Been together for 9 years, married for 4.

He and I are co-founders with two others. One of them is a woman who's married and older than myself. I am experiencing intense limerence for this woman. At first I just thought it was a crush but, at this point I can acknowledge it's unhealthy. Anyone else dealt with this? I want to stay with my husband, I love our child, etc. I just love the way I feel when I am around this other woman, she makes me feel validated and seen. I know nothing can come of this, even though I think she has some complicated feelings for me as well?

I want to continue because I'm passionate about this project, but I don't know how to separate my feelings for her and feel secure in myself again. I really hate my sexuality sometimes. These feelings are almost entirely romantic, by the way, and not really sexual at all. I continue to have sex with my partner, happily.

I would like to see a therapist but my partner and I are both in between jobs (the business we are cofounding is still in the works) so I am really hoping folks will have some kind of advice or at least make me feel less crazy. I wish I could at least know if she likes me so I can have some closure. Is this a normal part of the bi back and forth thing? This is horrible! Anyway. Thanks for reading.

Recently discovered we’re into pegging, no big deal. A few nights ago, both extremely turned on my gf asked if I’d ever do anything with another guy. Never really put any thought into it until she brought it up, but it really turned me on thinking about it. I told her I’d probably try it if I was single and she goes on about wanting to watch and I agree. Well post nut clarity I guess you could call it on her end and she changed her mind…but I haven’t. What are the chances she’ll actually be ok with it? Advice on how to proceed?

I’ve had bisexual feelings all my life. Since puberty. Only been with women though because that’s how life turned out (the times and related stigma back then, etc). Wife knows about these feelings. She will even send me links to MMF porn she thinks I’d like.

Current situation: A longtime friend of my wife has been talking to her about how his wife has bisexual feelings and he thought my wife could be a safe person to play with. He is bisexual too. They even shared a picture of the wife and it was spectacular. That’s how it started.

My wife is not openly bisexual but with her age is wildly open to new things and experiences. She even took a shot at getting a female friend to do lingerie pictures with her for me and her friend’s husband.

I know some people will be like he only wants to screw your wife. Well, he does. That’s ok. I’ve wanted to watch her have sex with another man for ages. The barrier was it has to be someone trusted.

Does the guy want to have sex with me? Also yes. He is down and so am I. Sent and received my first dick pic! He jerked off to the one I sent. So hot!

I’m blown away by my wife navigating all this. We are talking a lot. If it keeps going, great. If it stops here, still great. She’s the best.

UPDATE
Absolute flurry of sexting and talking and emotions. With the distance, we’ve not been able to get together yet but that is good. Gives us all time to mutually play, think, and adjust first. So much sex happening and sharing about it. They are wonderful people. Again, if it stops tomorrow, still great! Indeed, tonight has been the first break from the sexting and sex. My penis is rather grateful for the first day off after the past while. He’s chilling, watching some tv, having a nap…. So slow and steady, but overwhelmingly positive. I feel so good about my bi side. Safe. Wife is like the best version of herself. Owns herself at a level people dream of. Just so proud of her. Similar effects with the other couple even though they are more ahead of us on this journey.

Is there danger? Duh. But we’re developing good habits and expectations. Harder discussions even about what if’s. Result? Never been closer. Thanks for the encouragement. My life is fundamentally different now but most me being me ever. If that makes sense.

She made real space for me to be safely me while making a space for her to develop too.

Amazing.

UPDATE 2
Should mention they are kind, sexy, fun people. Seeing my wife connect with a beautiful woman and man has been a whole wild thing on its own too. Have to stop thinking about it now, don’t want to wake my tired penis up. He needs a break. Hydration and recovery…

I am very proud of him for being open, and honest with me in his sexuality, I am supportive and want to explore with him. I don't want him to feel like he has to hide this, or he's alone, or has to sneak around to find the satisfaction he's seeking. I also don't want to be left out.. I know that's insecure.

Were both very sensory seeking, but I'm more sensory aversion than him. Like cum... I swallow it, but the rest grosses me out, I can totally act through it when I'm in the right mood lol

I've always enjoyed our sex life, tho it's hit its dry spells before, solely from me because he would go multiple times a day lol. He said it's become boring for him, I understand, I like the same positions.

I'm not quite ready for the real thing yet

(a threesome), so we're gonna get toys again to explore more.

I guess what I'm asking for guidance, I know I need to be in a better head space for this, (I'm a very jealous person). I do want this for me, as a woman. I also have so much anxiety revolving around this subject, I've expressed all of this to him and he's very reassuring. In the way of "we don't need to do this", not in a way like "it'll be okay", if that makes sense.

I want to evolve our sexual relationship; at night, but in the day my mind starts thinking about the bad things that could come from this. . Sex can be just that for him, but it's never been that way for me.

Any help from some ladies, or men, with this sort of emotional issue?

My girlfriend (bi) and I have been living together for 2years. She's only been with me since we got together and has mentioned that her wild phase is behind her. I've been bi-curious for a while and it's getting stronger – I fantasize about a no-strings, unhinged night with a guy.

I'm torn. Part of me wants to just go for it discreetly, but I know that's risky and disrespectful. Another part hopes she'll be supportive because she's bi herself. Has anyone been in a similar spot? How did you bring it up? Did it go well, or did it create jealousy/problems? Any advice on opening things up safely, or is this just something I should sit on (or end the relationship over)?

So I’m in a long term relationship with a female and more and more of late I’ve been wanting to show off to other guys.

Other guys don’t turn me on or I don’t think I’m attracted to them but the thought of another dick or sucking a dick or having mine sucked by another guy is something that I’ve thought about more and more.

Very confused about where I stand but something that’s in my head more and more of late.

So a few family members have found out of enjoyment of meeting men for sex. My wife is open to it and agreed I can have meetings just not excessive and to protect her from infection and protect my safety.

A family member overheard my wife and me talking in the kitchen about my meets and she heard everything, the next day a text message goes on wife phone saying I heard what you were both discussing and I'm shocked, how could my wife allow me to have meets with men as it utterly repulsive and disgusting that men want to do such a thing together.

Sadly it gossip travelled to another male straight family member who has taken the same stance.

At the moment I've completely shut down from them and the relationship is over, but deep down I'm hurt as I already struggle with wanting sex with guys and I'm married. And my children don't know so I'm living in fear until such a time I can tell them.

*Hello! I changed my phone and my old account got lost so this was my post I wanted to share from 6 months ago. For further context.*

I've been a closeted bisexual man for 5 years, at the age of 30 who's married to a bi woman. We've been together 7 years, while married for 2 years. Our anniversary is during the spooky season. Last night I cried in bed, she was rubbing my back thinking something was wrong, I told her I wanted to have to a talk with her after food and that I'm fine I'm actually happy. I was crying not because I was depressed or sad, but a lot of repressed emotions came out all at once. I came out to my wife this morning after breakfast.

For some context I remember a scenario in 2020. We had been dating for 2 years, I was 25, she was 24. My wife has had some same sex experiences while I assumed I was straight. We were watching the TV show Lucifer and Tom Ellis was my bisexual awakening and while buzzed I made a comment that I liked his butt. Realizing that my inhibitions being lowered made me more open to being sexually attracted to men. I assumed this was normal but my wife turned looking puzzled as if her bi gaydar was going off 😅

I saw some recent posts about a college study saying some bisexuals don't discover themselves until 25, and holy shit like clockwork 2020 was 5 years ago, how weird is that?!

After glancing on some reddit posts I see a lot of men in my situation where they had repressed sexual attraction for years due to fear and stigma of men wanting to experience penetration. I let her know that my past interest in pegging was because of being able to experience my same sex urges with her. She immediately looked on Amazon for a harness. My life has improved, and I feel emotionally free. Just wanted to share my story.

Currently out to my family now as of May 2026 and in therapy 🩵🩷💜

I made a post in December about coming out to my wife (also bi) as a 30 year old man struggling with deep bi-phobia most of my life, that I buried. Wanted to post an update.

I'm officially out to my immediate family. My Dad, and stepmom, my Mom and Stepfather, and my Sister. I just started therapy, I've never had any mental health treatment as an adult. I discovered recently my issues with substances was because of my nervous system constantly being on "high alert". After some deep introspection, I had romantic feelings for my high school best friend when I was 15. I struggled in school, issues with memory so I grew up always in trouble with family, and didn't exactly feel safe to tell anyone at the time.

Part of my therapy goals is to forgive my younger self for not having the confidence nor the self worth to say anything.

It's only been 6 months since I came out, and I'm currently 31. It's going to take a lot of time for my nervous system to heal and feel okay. My wife has been an amazing and supportive partner, and we have both agreed to make a huge lifestyle change, we cut our alcohol intake to one drink a month since both of us have had a tendency to emotionally escape in the past. I'm so grateful I made these positive changes in my 30's.

Just wanted to post an update 🩵🩷💜

I'm sure this is a common theme.

I am bisexual. I have no romantic interest in men. It's purely sexual.

But sadly I've never had a sexual experience with a guy and that's been really eating me up more and more each year.

It's not so much the lack of a sexual experience with something. I'll never have every sexual experience I want and I realize that's just life. It's more that, without at least trying it, I don't really know if that's a viable part of me.

It feels un-nurtured, neglected.

My wife would be accepting of my sexuality, but just as my sexuality. She has absolutely no flexibility in actually allowing me to experience it. She's also anti-anything anal so even the simulation of it is out the door.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for with this post. I know others have felt like this. Did you act on it? Would you do it all again?

For the married men who cheated on their wife with a man - how did you decide to act up on it? What made you do it? How did you feel after?

55M, happily married to my wife and out as bi to her for a year. We have discussed a 3some in the not too distant past, but it kinda centered around the idea that she was the main attraction with us adding a bi male in.

How do I tell her I like the idea, but rather the 3rd being the main attraction for me. Meaning she will still be involved of course, but that the point is the guys...without sounding selfish. It just sounds selfish to me, but i'm like...I'm the one thats bi not you...like she is not bi at all.

Anyway, thought maybe someone else might have a similar experience that they can share?