guilt about requests? is it sub drop?
i’m (f27) a sub, i dabble more in bdsm and do have unfulfilled fantasies that my partner (amab 38), when i try to ask or address, even something smaller that i’m requesting done that we’ve done before, pushes aside or says they can’t fulfill at that moment, and makes no attempt to learn in soft spaces with me. my partner is a switch and enjoys most of the same kinks i want, and requests i perform them on them. i’ve attempted over the years to switch on them, tried to power bottom and bratting at them so they feel fulfilled, but when i make requests, they’re pushed aside or ignored. i’ve asked to be “puppied down” a handful of times recently, something we’ve done in the past multiple times and it’s either been entirely unaddressed, ignored, or they said they couldn’t do it at that time, but then they flip and want me to dom them when we are just being touchy, soft, and vanilla.
i enjoy shibari, i practice on myself and regularly ask if they want to practice with me, just the ties and ropes to connect and feel good, and they always deny, say they don’t want to mess it up, and my response is if they practice they would get better at it.
most recently they were playing video games and i put my ears on, pulled out my soft rope, and wanted to just do ties on myself, just to feel nice and relax and practice, parallel play, when they came over and wanted to be tied. i did some arm and chest ropes on them, they made me cum, then they asked if i wanted to ride them, to which i told them i had wanted to be tied and teased instead, something i ask for regularly, and if they wanted to help me, which they denied again.
i felt a bit used, like they won’t put effort into teasing and pleasing me, in learning and growing in kink and practicing and putting effort into things they know i’ve wanted to attempt and try and feel safe enough doing with them, (puppy training, proper rope, full submission, ect) while i perform and dom them to be best of my ability, something im not fully comfortable with but still do for them. i haven’t been properly put down in nearly a month, my mind is going haywire, and when i got dressed and put my things away without being properly fulfilled on what i had wanted and planned to do, they put a video they wanted to watch on the tv, guilted me until i put my phone away and gave it my full attention, then proceeded to fall asleep while i was still upset about my choices and actions being steamrolled.
and yet, i felt like i went to a sub drop, sad and spiraling and confused and lonely, but i wasn’t the sun and feel guilt about feeling this way and for even asking them to perform acts they keep pushing aside, even though we’ve enjoyed them together in the past ?