u/Visible-Self-3427

He is 37 and I am 39AUD. BF of a year doesn’t take charge of sex. He always asks me if that is my problem. He blames me for not having a sex life but each time we talk about it he is trying to quiz me about if I remember all of the things he told me that turns him on and why I don’t do them. If I don’t do most of the effort and in his way it eventually ends up being a fight. He doesn’t last long either so It is a lot of work with little reward so I am honestly fine without in order to not go through this same rodeo each time.

He is like this about other things like dishes. If I don’t do them they don’t get done. If I say something he turns it against me and denies that I usually do them.

He talks to his therapist about the sex issue. it because he tries to use that against me too. I think it is a deep seated issue from his one relationship of 9 years. She
cheated a lot. When she did have sex it was anytime he was getting money.

I just know that I have never had this issue before. What would you guys do?

I am 39f and he is 37m. I have had several ltr, but he has only had one of 9 years. That relationship was completely toxic for him causing him to have attachment issues and problems feeling wanted.. In my early days I took it really slow with other partners and it was much easier for me to initiate or reciprocate because it was very well mapped and no steps were missed or unfamiliar. Then for about 10 years I would drink to be able to have sex and social relationships easier. He is the first relationship I have after being celibate for 3 years and sober. Sooooo, our love language is very mixed and confusing.

He is always asking why I never come on to him. It takes a lot for me to get turned on, but if he is not turned on he doesn't see that me trying to open a physical dialog is me lightly touching and rubbing his arms and chest... I do this for 10-20 minutes and he doesn't reciprocate. I end up stuck at stage one and feel like I am just petting a stuffed animal or that I am being rejected.

He doesn't understand the eye thing and frankly neither do I, but when he says come here it means facing him and looking him in the eye. If he is turned on he is very phatic like "hey come here" or "wanna go to the room" "lets go take a shower" and either that turns me off or overwhelms me because I don't know what he actually means.

Help!