No libido due to depression, husband struggles big time
TW: depression, suicidal ideation, possibility of SA
I need some advice (and I also need to get this off my chest). I have been severely depressed for 9 months now. Of which the last 6 months I have had absolutely no libido at all. I am on a ton of meds that also suppress my libido even further. My husband is hypersexual with the specific brand of sleep walking where he'll try to have sex while sleeping.* This has never been a problem before because I was quite into it. It has become a problem now because now, I am NOT into it.
*To be clear: this has been medically diagnosed, he is not being a fraud or covering his ass for bad behaviour. He is really, actually asleep when this happens.
Obviously my husband cannot control what he does while sleeping. So if he feels he's too horny to not touch me during the night, he'll stay up out of fear of assaulting me. This is costing him his sleep and his health. So on his request, I laid the "no libido" problem on my psychiatrist's table... And I am sort of regretting it.
Why? Because I have no libido, I don't miss it a THING, I have better things to work on than getting my husband off (like literally not k*lling myself, yes I'm that depressed). It was VERY awkward to talk to this man about my lack of sex (I'm a woman), and I really feel like I'm only doing this for my husband. He is working SO HARD to keep me safe at night, and I feel very very selfish that that means I don't want to work at this for his (and my own) sake.
I haven't told him, but I really don't want to go to our next week's appointment where we're gonna talk more about it. I only brought it up because my husband asked and I thought the doctor would just say "there's nothing we can do, you're just depressed, take your meds and go to therapy and it'll get better in time". But he didn't, he's taking it very seriously and wants to spend an entire 45 minutes to talk about it. My husband feels validated because of that, both by me and by my doctor. But ofc that isn't worth anything if I don't follow through with the appointment.
I just feel like every day is a battle to survive and sex is very, very, VERY low on my priority list, and now I got myself into a whole appointment about it, that's probably going to be suggesting things like naked cuddling and doing massages and maybe doing alternative things like outercourse or handwork or opening our relationship (we already have that though, our relationship has been open for over a decade). But honestly I feel almost repulsed by the idea of even talking about sex right now.
What can I do so I can honor myself and not get myself into things I don't want to do? While simultaneously making sure my husband doesn't lose his sanity over this, too? (Through lack of sleep or anything else?) I don't *want* to work on "getting my libido back". I don't even want to live, tbh. So how do I tackle this issue without hurting my husband even further? I love him, but right now I can NOT handle his sexuality :( And I see him hurting more over it every day.