r/SexPositive

I had some very bad dating / sexual experiences and my therapist advised me to “take a break from dating” and just focus on platonic connections, focus on myself, practice detachment, learn to love myself without relying on external validation.

So a bit of background I have betrayal and abandonment trauma from childhood. I was emotionally neglected. Grew up in a very sex-negative environment. >!My friend growing up was SA by someone we all knew!<. I got an excessive warnings about “dangers” of dating. >!I was exposed to the idea of sex as violence before I was even old enough to understand sex or my own sexuality!<. I struggle with shame and guilt.

It worked for maybe a year or two? I explored more hobbies, took classes, socialized more. But I avoided environments where flirting is common or encouraged, or situations that center romance or sex. No singles events, no speed dates, no munches, no gatherings for polyam folks. I remove myself from conversations around dating so I don’t trauma dump or feel left out. I’ve avoided media that focused on relationships and sexuality.

I should probably also mention I’m queer so a big overlap between the people I socialize with platonically and the people I’d engage with sexually/romantically. And the people my platonic friends are involved with.

Honestly I try to forget the concept of romance or sex even exist. But over time it’s gotten harder to “avoid the temptation” to try again. And more and more things become triggers for these thoughts, and the negative feelings I was left with after my last relationships. I’m also struggling to feel happy for my friends who are going on dates. And most of them are.

There’s a relentless voice telling me I’m undatable, unattractive, damaged goods, etc. No one would want me. That if I “give in” and go back on dating apps, go back to the kink community, even entertain the idea of flirting with someone at a bar, I will suffer for my mistake and regret it. That if I can’t learn to be fully happy and satisfied in my life in the absence of sex and intimacy I have “failed” to heal, that it’s a sign I’m not working hard enough to be “healthy” and a sign that I’m “weak” and I’ll never “get better”.

My life is objectively “better than ever”. But I just feel dead inside lately. I take dance classes, make art, I keep adding to my list of hobbies. I still feel this emptiness. I feel “ungrateful” for not appreciating my other successes “enough” for me to be happy. I worry that’s a sign that I’m a “nymphomaniac” or something. Even though I’m probably not.

I’m also terrified of accidentally flirting with my friends, or crossing a boundary, making them uncomfortable and ruining the friendship. And I think it’s become an obsessive fear. I’m worried I’m acting too detached to compensate and I worry it’s negatively affecting my friendships.

I did all the right things, complimented myself in the mirror, told myself it doesn’t matter what other people think, I don’t need anyone to be attracted to me. I stopped looking / hoping for people to react positively to my appearance. Then I get jealous of other people who get compliments. Especially complements about their bodies.

I’m also a perfectionist and have body dysmorphia. Instead of trying to feel cute or attractive my focus shifted to “fitness”. It started with deleting all my dating apps and going for long walks without my phone, taking dance classes instead of going to the local gay bar. >!Now I’m tracking my food, and probably weighing myself too much as well!<.

I’m assuming my therapist did not give me bad advice. I’m seeing a different therapist now either way. But I’m supposed to feel better. Not worse. And I can’t stop blaming myself.

Whatever I’m doing it’s not helping. But idk what to do.

I'm a 42 year old woman. I grew up with softcore. I LOVED IT FOR YEARS. I am a late bloomer, but only been watching hardcore regularly for a few years now. Now? I couldn't ever imagine going back to softcore regularly. I tried watching it multiple times for nostalgia, and mid way through needed to stop and put on hardcore. Is this relatable?

What are your favourite podcasts that celebrate sex positivity. I'm following a variety and it has been very affirming to hear people talking about sex without the suffocating judgement that is pervasive in society.

Some podcasts that I'm already following are about ENM some are about kink etc. I'm trying to cast as wide a net as possible as I grew up in a very rigid household where sex wasn't talked about.

From my (male) perspective, I have always been more guarded/ashamed of it and have felt like there is a stronger and more vocal acceptance for women in that is is empowering but creepy for men.

For a number of years, my wife and I have watched porn together and masturbated on Sunday mornings. It’s a lot of fun and not touching each other heightens things. We watch a variety of genres but we come back a lot to big boobs, MILFs, gangbangs, MMF. I’m curious for those who watch porn with their partners, what do you all usual go for?

I’m in a 1-bedroom apartment and turning the living room into a studio-style bedroom setup (couch, bed, TV, the whole deal). The bedroom is becoming a huge closet.

I just set up a giant display cabinet with backlighting(next to the TV), and it creates an atmosphere I really dig. The catch? My folks like to drop by, and while full-on hiding the stuff doesn't sit right with me, neither does blinding them with a wall of giant silicone "World Cup trophies."

Scrambling to pack everything away last second isn't practical. My current idea is to just throw a cool night-sky mural sheet over the cabinet whenever they come over.

What do you think of the cover-up method? How do you guys handle awkward displays when your folks visit?

for my kinks I’m into and not limited to: cnc (only if it’s safe and consensually discussed beforehand), praise, public sex, group sex, sex toys, anal plugs, and super dominant men both in and outside of bed, like Christian Grey. Christian Grey is intentionally portrayed as extremely dominant, particularly sexually. His character is controlling, confident, assertive, and likes to take the lead. The BDSM dynamic is a major part of his character, while the movies also show his emotional vulnerability and strong need for control outside of sex.
I also have a “wanting to be stalked” kink, sort of like Joe Goldberg from You—being hunted or having that primal/prey dynamic. I’m also into patient/doctor roleplay or teacher/student roleplay. I’ve always wanted to give a partner a massage and have it turn into a massage-parlor-style roleplay scenario. I’m turned on by the concept of power and surrender, me being the one who surrenders. making a man cum or only giving him head or jacking him off is a huge one on my list.

I just realized I have a lot of kinks I would never tell anyone in real life, or am I just crazy?😂

For me, it almost feels like most porn feels like it was made for men, so a lot of it does nothing for me. What I actually find hot is hearing a guy moan, breathe heavily, or growl.

I’ve become obsessed with audio porn lately, especially Sounds of Pleasure on Tumblr and Dipsea. Hearing a man sound genuinely turned on is honestly intoxicating to me.

With regular porn, it usually feels like the woman is doing all the loud, unconvincing screaming while the guy barely makes a sound and just keeps going. That does not turn me on at all.

I already know about AnonyFun and Best Kept Secret, but I wish there were more creators like them. Are any other women here as into this as I am?

If you’re into it, I know not all are. My husband has been exploring this idea lately with me. I’m not really into it, although I tried for his pleasure. We do a lot of anal, and he tries to put a thumb in there with his penis, it hurts so I can’t go through with it. And he tries to fist my vagina- 4 fingers and I can’t take anymore. But I don’t want anything more than his penis so I personally don’t understand. Could someone who is into this explain it to me please? All he tells me is “it’s hot” but I want to hear more. Educate me please!

Hi! I've been thinking a lot of how to raise sex-positive teens lately (mine is hitting the high hormones and interest in sex lately and I'm trying to undo some generational trauma on that front).

From looking at my own kids development, there seems to be distinct stages:

1. No interest

2. An interest in how babies are made, how bodies work

3. An interest in learning about and emulating romantic yet platonic relationships

4. The hormonal rush of puberty that seems to drive an interest in sex and masturbation

My partner and I were speculating on the future stages between this and adulthood. Recognizing I lose influence as a parent throughout the teen years, I'm trying to figure out how to set her up for success.

We hypothesized (yes we're both science nerds) that next there would be a tentative exploration of actual intimate relationships which will lead to a (hopefully) more confident continuation of intimate relationships later in life built on that experience. As they build more foundational skills in recognizing consent, good boundaries, and media literacy, they become better able to both navigate the world and media without supervision. Which would give us two stages of (5) exploration and (6) confident self-knowledge (the end goal).

But we recognize our own upbringing and experiences are atypical - I had a very early intro to pornography and they had a very repressed and tightly controlled environment.

So I'm curious if other sex-positive folks recognize any stages in their development along these lines, when they felt more interested in certain topics than before. I suspect many of us struggled in a sex negative society and families, so there may have been a lot of issues with it.

Also you may now yell "NEEEEERD" at me.

Does men enjoy solo butt plugs and how do they use.

How can we reduce the guilt that others share around watching porn? Like what can we to make people feel good and safe about watching porn?

I'm curious on thoughts of the sex positive community on this topic. As a late diagnosed ADHDer I've come to learn more about stimming, emotional deregulation, rejection bias, etc. I've often been more drawn to masturbation than sex because it's easier to manage, it's self indulgent, it relieved and anxiety, and there's no one to tell me I'm not doing it well enough, or at the very least for me to think that that is what my partner is thinking. Also I go through stretches where thoughts of sex are non existent others where I'm super horny and hyper focused on thoughts of "when can I touch myself next". Earlier in life it got in the way of things, and since better understanding my habits and going on some medication I've become more aware of those roller coasters of needs/wants and emotions.

Does anyone else deal with something similar? Is this actually an ADHD related thing? What are y'all's thoughts and experiences with this?

I’m solo traveling around Europe for the next few months and one of the things I really want to use this trip for is getting more comfortable in my own body and exploring sensuality/sexuality in ways I probably wouldn’t normally push myself to do at home.

I’m not necessarily looking for a week-long retreat. I’m more looking for cities that have studios, communities, wellness centers, etc. where there are ongoing classes, workshops or events that you can drop into.

I’m starting in Munich and found a place here that offers a whole mix of things like tantra yoga, women’s circles focused on sensuality/sexuality and femininity, touch and massage circles, body-awareness work, tantra, and even a pleasure/orgasm workshop focused on becoming more comfortable with your own sexuality and body.

That sent me down a rabbit hole wondering what else exists around Europe. Basically I’m interested in experiences that push me a little outside my comfort zone and make me more comfortable being in my body.

Things like:
Naked experiences (naked yoga, etc.)
tantra / tantra yoga
women’s sensuality or femininity circles
touch and massage workshops
pleasure and orgasm education
guided self-pleasure or group masturbation workshops
workshops around shame, body confidence or sexual expression
intimacy / connection
somatic or embodiment classes
ecstatic dance / movement
breathwork and meditation
sauna / FKK / naturist culture
cold immersion or hot/cold rituals
anything around femininity, expression, feeling more natural in your body, etc.
Im looking for places where nudity, sexuality, touch or sensuality are treated as normal and there’s some kind of guided experience or opportunity to learn and explore.

I’m also completely fine with things being a little weird or very outside mainstream American wellness culture. I want to put myself in situations where my first thought is “hell no” and then discover that I actually can.

English is important since my language skills are not going to carry me through a tantra workshop in any other languages haha

I’m moving around Europe and my itinerary is pretty flexible, so recommendations can genuinely be anywhere.

Would love to hear about places you’ve actually been, things that surprised you, or even just the terminology I should be searching for. It seems like there’s an entire world of this stuff that I don’t know exists yet!

I’ve heard Bellesa Plus has more soft, natural feeling content and that the performers seem to genuinely enjoy themselves, which sounds good... But before I get a 1 year subscription, how big is the library actually and how’s the overall video quality? Does it stay worth it after a few months?