u/Seltnytt

I posted this in r/sex but my account is very new so the post got autodeleted awaiting moderator approval which after several hours hasn't come... I post it here because of that and also to get extra answers.

Greetings

I am 22, virgin, transfeminine but pre-everything, and planning to lose my virginity within a few weeks to a month by having receptive anal.

But I am afraid, because this country I live in is a dangerous one, everyone could steal from you, or maybe worse, and I do not want to happen to me, plus if it happened (and I survived if it isn't a hate crime) I would be in trouble with my protective and somewhat homophobic mother (who called men having anal sex abhorrent).

I of course have the practical basics set (condom use, lube, douche for cleaning), and I do plan on sending my location to a bisexual friend who knows what I'm going for (but not to my mother for obvious reasons, and this is a problem because my friend lives in another town, though he can warn my mother)...

I, obviously, have to go to the guy's house as I can't host (which would be safer) and don't have money for a motel.

I'm seriously beginning to wonder whether I should wait, but the problem is because of personal reasons I cannot get my own place or a job for several years. Is there any safer way to obtain sex? Relationships are out of the question as I'm aromantic (and my bi friend is in one), and I do not want to pay for sex work because there's no guarantee the person is there because of their own desires.

So that is my question, thanks.

Mini rant now: I hate how I feel in a surveillance state having to hide condoms, lube and the douche from my mother as I live in a small apartment with almost nowhere to hide these but my bag, I also wanted butt plugs to train myself but too risky. I also had asked my mother to not open a package that came, to which she reacted suspiciously about and later in the day she even suspected things about a dildo in a very judgemental way. God I'm so tired.

Just for context: I am "librafeminine", AMAB and pre-everything. 22.

For some days now I've starting considering finding a casual partner to finally lose my virginity, as I want to do that, but also there's the fact that I'm on onlanzapine and my equipment isn't working well, plus that afaik hooking up with women is harder (and I lose fun if I don't have my equipment working unless I got pegged but where am I going to find that) ... so I decided to have sex with men even though I'm not attracted to them, using Grindr or Scruff.

The problem is that I need equipment like condoms, lube and an anal bulb for that... But I bought them all online because it's the most secretive way...

Except that today at about 1 (AM) I text my mom to not open the package of things that arrives and she is like "ojo con las cosas que compras" which is like saying "hey careful with what you buy" but that "careful" is in a very ... let's say doubting/judgemental way ... Like sigh, I managed thankfully to get those (only the condoms so far) without her noticing but still.

But here's the part that pisses me off the most ... the other two things arrive on monday ... while she was supposed to be at work except that for my fucking luck she got a WEEK off at work precisely this time?!?! Even though that doesn't happen regularly at all?? So basically now I'll have to be at home nervous as fuck that she doesn't figure out what I'm buying.

I also wanted to buy a few buttplugs to train myself but ... now I obviously can't, too risky, have to wait till next week.

Worse part... Precisely today somehow the topic of anal came up and she called gay men putting things up their butt "abhorrent" like yeah fuck you.

And this is only the first part.

I feel like I really can't get privacy at my home situation, I live in a small apartment with her, and well, the only real place I could possibly hide my sexual tools are in my bag since that doesn't get checked and even then I better make sure that I keep it an eye on it at all times. I really want a fucking job but I'm an unskilled loser... But I'm going to try to do some courses, I also want to go to college because that gives me more time out of home to do things by myself if I want to, that if I don't go to a virtual one which seems likely and would be further doom.

And the thing is, if I went out on saturdays/sundays at random to well, have hookups, that would inevitably invite questions from my mother and my father if she tells him (my father lives somewhere else) so pretty much my plan is using every time I go to therapy as a cover for it, since it's reasonable I could be outside a further 30 mins to an hour... Possible, or use the times where I return from school after lunch ... (about 12:30 - 14:00) since she's not here.

Sigh, whatever, rant over, the bad thing is I also feel like I'm being "spoiled" since after all I do depend on her economically and in other ways for now, but holy shit how I long to be free.