im not excited anymore :(
the closer it gets to my surgery the less excited i feel. i know that i want this surgery. i know that my life will be better after this surgery. i know that i absolutely cannot deal with having the body i have right now forever. and i used to be excited! for so long i was looking forward to meta and thinking about what things would be like after i was healed but its like now that my surgery is getting closer all i can think about is the fear.
every time i think about meta i can just feel this like. Despair settle over me. i want what this surgery can give me but i Dont Want This Surgery. im scared of the pain, im scared of not healing right, im scared of what my results will look like, im scared of ruining the things i already like about my dick, im scared of needing help with things that i want to be private. ive had surgery before and its always been so easy, even when other people said it wouldnt be, so i want to tell myself that thisll be easy too! but i know itll be different.
other people talk about being in pain for weeks like its something you just endure and it sucks but its fine, but ive never been in pain like that. i dont know how to deal with that. i dont know if i Can deal with that.
i keep trying to tell myself that no matter how badly i heal or how much i hate my results, it'll be better than having a Hole in me that isnt supposed to be there. and i really believe thats true. but for some reason it just isnt making me feel better anymore.
and whats worse is that all of the fear of surgery is mixed up with some of the worst genital dysphoria ive ever felt. i thought leading up to surgery my dysphoria would get better--thats what it was like for top surgery! but instead its so much worse. i think about it all the time and instead of focusing on the fact that itll be over soon all i can focus on is how much i hate it and how gross i feel. my sex drive is like gone, i just cant make myself enjoy anything that involves my body anymore. things that i used to feel mostly good about have become uncomfortable. things that i used to feel a little weird about have become intolerable.
its like theres no way to think about it thats positive. the wait is too short, because im terrified, but the wait is also too long, because im miserable. i need it to just be over with already so i can stop worrying about all of it, but theres no way to make that happen. i have to just sit and wait with the terror and the misery until my surgery. and then ill have to just sit and wait with the pain and the worry until i'm healed. and any happiness that might come after feels so far away that i cant even look forward to it because all the bad stuff is standing in the way.