u/angelinajoheehe

20sF. I’ve been exclusive with my dom/boyfriend for 6 months. We were dating for a while before that, and I’ve known him for a couple of years. Because of distance and convenience, along with me not having the best living situation, I moved in with him 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday I learned he’d cheated on me 4 months into the relationship. The girl messaged me and told me, so there could be more I haven’t learned about yet. She said they didn’t hook up, but they did have VERY explicit conversations over text, mostly initiated by him. I always want to practice more kink with him, so it’s not like he can’t get it here. I guess he just wants variety, or he prefers her physical appearance over mine.

Before him, I was with someone for 3 years. Also in a dynamic. He cheated on me for the entire 3 years, full on affair/secret relationship. He was also extremely controlling, I lost all of my friends because of him, and constantly belittled me.

I’ve had an extremely healthy D/s relationship so I’m not implying all Doms suck. Between the two aforementioned when I was trying to stay single and explore, I had a dynamic with a Dom who practiced ENM. He was very up front with me and his partner, and always respected everyone he was involved with. But ofc with the whole ENM thing and already having a primary, it’s not like a committed relationship was on the table.

I’ve also dated vanilla men- and they did not cheat, nor were they as controlling. Again, I’m in no way implying any negativity towards the community. I just know that with a more dominant personality, being controlling is more likely. and being more sexually open, cheating is more likely.

I’m starting to feel like in order to protect myself and reduce the risk of going through this again- I’ll need to either stick to a dynamic with zero romantic ties, and stay single, or i’ll need to forgo kink and just prioritize finding someone who cares about settling down and has little to no sex drive that would make them want to go cheat.

My head isn’t really in the right place right now so I’m sorry if some of this came off wrong. I genuinely mean no harm and my intention is not to spread harmful stereotypes. I just wanted to know if anyone else has been here?

To clarify, i have experience with kink and i’m not shy or embarrassed about being a sub-i just have a lot of social anxiety so taking the lead feels superrr awkward because now i have to think of everything on the spot.

since moving in together and just developing a more serious committed relationship- i feel like kink doesn’t get… explored? as much as it used to.

i get plenty of choking, being thrown around, slapped etc- but i want to initiate less routine things like humiliation, objectification, pet play, 1950s, free use, etc. i know he’s into this stuff- he always talked about it before and made it clear that we share these interests. so now i just need some creative and fun ideas of how to actually initiate these things on my end.

ALSO. before you comment- i know how you redditors can be lol. pls don’t come for me! 😭

IM NOT AT ALL AGAINST COMMUNICATING MY NEEDS, but i’ve found in my relationship i prefer
trying to initiate the thing i want and giving that a chance to flourish before i just forwardly say, “can we do this?”. sometimes all he needs is a little push and the ‘problem’ can be fully solved with him not even realizing there ever was a problem. i know this style isn’t for everyone and that’s okay, but it’s how i like to do things, it works great for both of us, and that’s also okay! relationships aren’t one size fits all and if my initiating falls through, i’ll of course just tell him what’s on my mind.

I’ve always been a brat and my style is very very playful. I crack a lot of jokes calling my dom old (slight age gap), hinting that he can’t keep up, or playfully giving him commands in public. Little to no reaction every time.

Recently I finally decided to have a conversation with him about it and asked if he just doesn’t enjoy the bratting. He said he does enjoy it, but that i’m just not saying anything that warrants a reaction. He essentially said my attempts are “weak”, “pathetic” and I can “do better”. I asked him to give examples of what’s not a weak attempt but he understandably wants me to figure it out and get creative.

He has reacted a handful of times. Once I was drunk and we were just kissing, and I randomly decided to choke him and slap him in the face. He wasn’t at all angry, he actually started laughing and I got the reaction I wanted. I also get a nice reaction when we move to change positions and I decide to run away instead. But I’m running out of fun ideas. Please inspire me. 🥲

im shy and ive avoided degradation because of it so i’ve never done this before. (im comfortable with this, full consent) he sort of uses pet play to degrade/embarrass me. am i supposed to actually bark.. like imitate dog sounds? or do i just say “woof woof”? lol, genuinely don’t know what he means so i always freeze when he tells me to do it and mid act isn’t really the best time to ask for clarification bahahah. anyone else done this? which do you do?

EDIT: I did it 😭 i really appreciate the encouragement <3 , knowing others commonly enjoy this made me feel more confident and less weird about it.

the first few times i didn’t bark i was treated like a defiant brat, and makes a lot of sense he’d jump to that conclusion lol. but then after so many times of me not doing it he stopped giving that instruction. i got kind of sad, i felt like i missed out on exploring something i could’ve enjoyed.

with the slight confidence boost i got from kind words here, i dropped little hints throughout the day that i DO enjoy being his puppy. without being tmi lol, he jumped at the opportunity to try it again. it was cathartic to let my embarrassment be a positive thing (something that brings him pleasure) instead of focusing on it just being anxiety inducing for me. after that the anxiety melted away and i actually found myself wanting to do other embarrassing things for him.

thank you to everyone that was nice to me 🫶🏻