Sorry if this doesn’t fit in with the rest of the subreddit well, I sort of just wanted to get it off my chest?
So for starters I have always been a fairly reserved person. I am autistic and have always been weird about hugging/touching, and with my ex boyfriend, I would have way more fun touching him than being touched. I own sex toys and use them often enough to know that I definitely like sex, even though I’ve never been able to cum from it.
Quite honestly I don’t wanna be a virgin. I have tried to get it over with and lose it, be it with my boyfriend or a guy I’m seeing, but he always runs his hands over me, or I can feel his heat or sweat, and it’s a sensory nightmare that makes me anxious and I totally dry up. I have anxiety and wonder if it’s the sensory input of it being uncomfy for me, or maybe something about finding it hard to put my walls down?
Now, I think I’m a pretty tame person. But the more I’ve had this specific ick, the more drastic my ideas get.
I know real life isn’t like the porn vids, but I really think my ideal scenario would be some kind of gloryhole, where I can fuck a guy or get fucked while still having that safety wall up, physically and metaphorically. And I saw a video of a woman having sex on a train, she had her back to him and they were both standing, it was like totally anonymous who was fucking her. Something about this idea gets me soaked like nothing else!
Is it weird to be a virgin and have such extreme desires? And, also, I’m worried because, these scenarios are hard to safely explore. I don’t know how to go about finding a gloryhole, and I don’t wanna get arrested for fucking on the train.
I really want to experience this kind of detached, anonymous sex. being autistic it genuinely seems favourable to me. Like masturbating, where we can each chase our own goal, but we have the added pleasure of it being a real warm human body.
Advice would be good? Or maybe somebody to
talk to? I feel really mixed about these desires of mine and it feels really good to get them off my chest. Am I weird? Will I never enjoy sex?