My story and a little Wifesharing vs. Cuckold confusion
First off: This is going to be long.
Everything feels a bit strange right now…
My wife and I have been together for a good 18 years now, and married for (only) five of them. We have two children and—as far as I can tell—a very good relationship.
Almost exactly 10 years ago, my wife cheated on me. Since we hadn't had sex for about a year and a half at that point, and she had to go to rehab for three weeks due to a respiratory illness, she developed a crush on a guy there and started texting him. It quickly turned to sex. However, they didn't actually have sex or anything sexual while there. For months after she got back home, she kept texting this guy and they exchanged a lot of nudes. But since he lived far away, nothing else happened. I didn't know anything about it at the time, except that on some evenings I heard her masturbating.
At that time, we were both working at a club. She was at the entrance desk, and I was the DJ. One night, she met another guy there and slept with him shortly after. They met about 15 to 20 times. Mostly in the car, and sometimes at his place. He was also married at the time.
About two months after she started fucking this guy, I found out. At first, of course, I was very angry. But since I would never jeopardize our relationship over sex, we made up very quickly. Plus, and this is probably much more important, I had already had a very strong wifesharing kink for years. So we agreed that she could keep meeting him, but she had to film it for me, and we would always talk about it openly and honestly.
From then on, things got pretty hot. She met the guy many more times over the next three years. He had certain skills that I didn't have—for example, he could finger her to orgasm very reliably. Our own sex life became a lot better and much more frequent because of it, too.
At some point, she hooked up with a colleague at a work party. They met again the next day, and he fucked her. He is significantly better endowed than I am, but couldn't last very long—my wife still had her fun, and I got more video material. They’ve met very often since then, though he was frequently quite selfish. When my wife was pregnant with my child (yes, really mine!), they met even more often and had a lot of sex. He is also married and has four children of his own.
After our first child was born, my wife initially stopped meeting other people, and we rarely had sex. About three years later, our second child came along. During this time, she also lost interest in texting the guys she’d had so far. Aside from two minor blowjobs for her coworker, there wasn't much to report during this period.
Since the birth of our second child, she started taking the pill again. This severely restricted her libido for almost three years. She didn't want to do anything with her guys, nor with me.
In August of last year, she stopped taking the pill, and since September, she has been meeting up with her coworker again. At first only very rarely and always just briefly. But during their first longer meetup in December, he really focused entirely on her and made her come really hard. She was riding him, could truly feel his large package, and squirted within a very short time. Since then, she’s been almost addicted to his cock. In February, she even met him in a hotel room, which we had never done before. Everything was agreed upon, but I'm never there, and I'm getting fewer and fewer videos…
Also, since then, our wifesharing dynamics have shifted toward a cuckold dynamic. I told her that I would also find it hot if she degraded me in front of him. Or if she could temporarily have only him and clearly stated to me how much more she likes him than me.
And now we come to my problem: The thought of her (for the time being) only having sex with him and badmouthing me to him actually makes me incredibly horny, but she isn't really being honest, and I sometimes doubt my cuckold kink. She has already told me that she prefers his cock, but she doesn't say that she only wants him—even though all the signs point to exactly that: She barely seeks physical contact with me anymore, and she is very unmotivated when we do anything sexual.
She also does more with him, and he’s allowed to do more with her than I am. She likes swallowing for him, but not for me. She wants to try anal with him (though they haven't yet), but not with me. She prefers getting eaten out by him over me. On top of that, she seems to enjoy kissing and feeling him more and more—even though there still don't seem to be any romantic feelings involved...
I have clearly offered her several times that we can put everything sexual between us on hold for now so she can fully commit to him. However, she always says she doesn't want that, even though her actions speak a completely different language. She is always highly motivated when they text, she texts him a lot, and by now she is having sex with him more and more frequently—which is actually okay. All of this tells me that she incomparably prefers fucking and doing sexual things with him over me, that she might not even want me at all anymore, but she just doesn't want to say it that bluntly.
Furthermore, I sometimes have doubts about how hot I actually find this cuckold thing. When I masturbate to her videos, no thought is hotter than her not wanting me anymore and only wanting him. On the other hand, I get very jealous again at times, and also a bit angry when she doesn't clearly tell me how into him she actually is. I don't think she has any romantic feelings for him other than sexual ones, but those sexual feelings are clearly much stronger and more intense than she cares to admit to me.
I also think it's sweet of her that she's somehow trying to protect me, but if we're doing this, I'd rather she just be 100% honest, like we usually are…
How do you guys see this? Am I even a real cuckold, or is that part mostly just playing out in my head while we should stick to wifesharing?
I just can't really read the situation right now…