I love having sex with my boyfriend, it's at least once a day if not more, but I've seem to have some issues so we take a few days break as needed from time to time.
I absolutely love it when we're having actual intercourse, and it's taken me a while due to past traumatic experiences with other people, but I've started to really like giving him head as well.
He finishes every time and always offers to go down on me or use his fingers, play with my clit, etc. to help me finish too, but I typically deny. Not because it doesn't feel good, it usually does, but I simply cannot finish. I can get overstimulated, I can get incredibly close, but I just can't seem to finish.
I've got a lot of sexual trauma and he's the first person I've ever had consensual intercourse with and he's helped me work through a lot of things, but this isn't as easy as just turning a switch on or off, I can't even seem to find it.
My issue isn't just with him either, even when I get myself off, the contractions happen but there's no pleasure sensation? If anything afterwards it just hurts.
Occasionally when we're having sex I can be completely turned on and in the mood but I can't get wet enough. Or I'm wet enough and turned on but I can't feel any pleasure, I feel the pressure and that somethings going in and out, but other than that I don't feel anything good or bad.
I'm worried I'm just kind of broken.
I notice it feels better the rougher he is and the less caring it feels but I have an issue where I get completely incontinent for either a few hours or even days after really rough sex.
The only recent time I've been able to get off from him fingering me was while he was watching a show at the same time so he wasn't completely focused on me. I feel like that helped because I get so anxious when he looks at me, it genuinely spikes my heart rate and makes me so embarrassed. This man loves me to pieces and has never made me feel ugly or gross or anything so there's no reason for me to feel the need to be so performative while he's trying to get ME off but I can't seem to get over it. Trying to "focus harder" on the sensation doesn't help me either.
I've got a lot of sexual trauma and so I'm sure that plays some role in it and he's actively trying to support me and work on this with me, but it makes me feel so inadequate. I feel broken and it makes me feel so guilty when he can't get me off. Again he's never shamed me but of course he feels bad that he always gets to finish and I never get to be satisfied with him.
I don't know what to do, if anyone's got any hopeful commentary or advice it'd be very appreciated.
If you have any questions to help I can try to answer but only as long as I'm comfortable with it