u/blowaway1978

#Columbus #Ohio

LADIES… THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

There’s a thicc, juicy, emotionally available banana just waiting to be devoured. Packed with potassium, and down for absolutely anything—smoothie? Split? Straight-up raw? You decide.

I’m talking late-night peel sessions, no judgment.

This ain’t Chiquita-level flirtation—we're going full banana apocalypse.

Come hungry, leave... satisfied.

Must be 18+, have a sense of humor, and no fear of fruit-based nonsense.

DMs open. Banana’s ready. Are you?

INTERDIMENSIONAL MUFFIN RESCUE SQUAD — NOW HIRING ME

Do you have a muffin in distress?

A muffin that’s been neglected, abandoned, or giving you the side-eye from across the room like, “Hey… when’s someone gonna do something about me?”

WELL GUESS WHAT.

I have crash-landed into your timeline specifically to address this crisis.

I travel with:

A malfunctioning jetpack

A glowing spatula of destiny

Two oven mitts that refuse to cooperate

And a level of enthusiasm that is, frankly, medically concerning

I do NOT travel with:

Restraint

A plan

The ability to leave a muffin un-inspected

Any understanding of “boundaries”

My process includes:

Kick down the door (or gently knock, depending on HOA rules)

Announce myself loudly like a wizard who failed community theater

Conduct a full muffin investigation using science, nonsense, and interpretive dance

Declare the muffin delicious with the fury of a man who hasn’t slept in 48 hours

Probably trip over your dog and apologize to the fridge

If your muffin requires absolute, chaotic, cartoon-grade appreciation, I am your guy.

I bring passion, confusion, and a disturbing amount of energy for someone who only ate one granola bar today.

5'10" 190lb