confused and lost
it’s summer again, and i’m still as alone as ever. chronically single, painfully avoidant, terrified of people, as i have been, for the last 10 years. for someone who oh so truly hates people, i seem to love seeking people out a lot. the physicality, the emotional connection. i love flirting, i love making people feel needed wanted, yet no one seems to want me, save rapists and people who seem to want to assault me - people who only see me as an object to fuck, to touch, to desire, to have, to be an accessory by their shoulder, a trophy to conquer, to display, to pass around to their friends, then tossed away to the side, discarded, onto the next conquest. for a girl who never dates, rarely goes out, i sure do get raped a lot. it’s funny really. even my mom molests me - the inappropriate touching, the boundary crossing borderline sexual comments. they never stopped, and i was too much of a coward to ever stop her, to tell her i didn’t like it, or want it. not even in a shameful secretive “i enjoyed it sort of way” i just hated it. hated how it made me feel, how uncomfortably violating it felt. like when she wanted to give me a massage, and all i wanted to tell her was i don’t want you to touch me, but she pushed me down, and did it anyways. it wasn’t rape, not really anyways, but it felt like it, and it felt infinitely more violating than any of my rapes ever did, in a creepy crawling, nails scratching on your skin kind of disgust, sort of way. and that just felt so much worse. because every time i was raped at least i secretly enjoyed it some how, in some way, at least it felt good, my body felt good, the men using me, it made me feel something - i felt wanted, desired, so overwhelmingly and completely consumed by them, it was intoxicating; knowing someone would risk jail and ignore my please and cries of no’s because they couldn’t help themselves, as they fucked me, pushed themselves inside of me - to me it felt greater then any drug in the world, even though i hated it; hated the rapes, hated the men, hated what they did, but my body loved it, my head high off of being desired, my body reacting to their every touch, every thrust, seared into my memory, like a brand, white hot, unforgettable. i’ll never forget what they said to me. one told me, i could tell you liked it, as though that justified raping me, and i just sheepishly accepted it, eyes down cast, blushing, ashamed. because he was right in a way, i did enjoy it, enjoyed how much he made me cum, and how intense it all felt, but it didn’t make any of what he did in any way okay, he ignored me, he pretended like he didn’t hear me, and that felt violating. even if it felt violating in a good way. a few weeks ago, i was at a lesbian bar and i met a girl. our chemistry was almost immediate - i could tell she had a crush on me. towards the end of the night we ended up making out, and things got more and more heated. she started up biting my neck, hard. i loved it, my neck was one of my weak spots, and i was oh so sensitive there; it felt good, intoxicating again, but i was crossed (her idea) and i didn’t think it was a good idea for us to go as far as we already were going, and it didn’t help that i felt so vulnerable in that moment, out in a bar that was winding down, with her biting my neck, me trying to hold back my moans. it was too much. wait, stop, i whined to her, slow down, this is too much! wait! i pleaded with her again and again. she didn’t stop, or slow down, she kept going, and like the coward i was i didn’t even try to push her away from me, and i just took it, until her senses finally came to her, and she listened to my pleas. it was an interesting experience i guess, i blame myself almost in a way, for being such a coward, for not standing up for myself even though i was getting assaulted in public, but i also blame her, for not listening to me, for being so caught up in whatever was going on in her head that she objectified me enough in that moment that my needs became irrelevant, no matter how i phrased it. but yet that didn’t feel so violating, more annoying i guess. but it was still a shock to me, coming from a girl; i feel so lost. i don’t know how to feel.