Seeking advice / empathy / thoughts
I was initially in an open relationship with my current partner. We decided to become exclusive, and aspects about our relationship turned more bdsm (daddy dom / little etc) with guidance, rule setting, intimacy, and such. I have tattoos and while we were open I worked on a back piece that covers 3/4 almost the entirety of my back, and I also have other tattoos. Some time after our dynamic had gotten more intense and we become exclusive, my dom broached the subject of me considering tattoo removal, specifically for the back piece. He felt that it was preventing me from being able to be my whole self, that I was hiding behind it, trying to assign some external thing as an identity and not my true self. He thought it would be best for me to remove it, promised we'd be closer, mentioned that as I progressed through removal that we'd be able to talk about long term commitments like marriage, that he would pay for the entirety of the removal etc. I was initially very upset and hurt. Why would my dom ask me to change things about myself. But I wanted desperately to do what he asked, I wanted us to be together for as long as possible, marriage sounded amazing to me and for the first time I could imagine it with someone. I agreed to start removal on pieces that didn't have as much significance to me (on my thighs / legs) and would start maybe with one or two sessions on my back slowly as I potentially grew more comfortable with treatment. After I started with the ones on my legs and thighs I learned that it was impacting me negatively. I felt very comfortable in my body, felt that parts of me were ugly and didn't want to look at them or be seen. Treatment days would be hard before and after, even though my dom would attempt to help. I eventually burst and told him I couldn't keep doing treatments and that I wouldn't be able to do my back. After that we had a shift. We were still together but I could feel distance. And after a few months I asked him to sit down and talk. We did and he essentially said that he felt he couldn't be that role for me anymore, that it felt like tattoo removal was something he needed me to be able to do / that he needed in a partner. He said he now felt the relationship needed to reopen again with the possibility of him / us dating others. I was very hurt by this. I even offered a clean disconnect between us so he could find a better partner for him (and ultimately the same for me too) even though I hated the idea of never seeing him again. He also felt the same, that he wants to be in each other's lives however possible. Even if it were to just be platonic. We're at a crossroads. We had another talk yesterday about what to do next. We discussed what it would take to go back to how things were, essentially it's still that I would need to proceed with removals and that he still believes it would be better for me, he also mentioned I would need to stop smoking (which was broached before but I immediately did not react well to, as cannabis is helpful for me in different ways). I tried to explain to him that I am missing aspects in my relationship that are no longer present because he can't be that role for me anymore, and that in my mind the natural next step with reopening is to begin dating others. He discussed some reasons why he's apprehensive to jump back into dating, and that things feel stuck. I feel similar. Like I can't do anything and everything feels wrong but I feel so lonely and abandoned. Our plan is to continue our conversation and basically talk through different visions of what this could look like moving forward. Ex. Worst case: we are not in each other's lives and don't keep in touch. Next level: something else etc. I just don't know what to do. I feel lonely. I find myself wishing for that guidance and deep connection. I feel parts of myself have gone into hibernation and it's hard to find optimistm or motivation. I predict a lot of suggestions would be to end the relationship and I'm prepared to hear that. If anyone has any other suggestions esp around maintaining a connection even if it's not the same degree / depth / type of relationship (stayed friends with your dom after breaking up etc), I'd appreciate hearing any experiences like that. Thanks for reading all this. 🤍