How do I engage in a kink my spouse has?
TLDR; spouse and I have had issues in the past with a kink they have, but my birthday is coming up and I want to engage without feeling insecure or self conscious so I can actually enjoy myself.
I’ll try to explain the best I can. For context; we are both 23 and still figuring life out together.
My spouse and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years. We had a few talks before about a kink they have: stockings, nylons and tickling.
I’m all for it, but I’ve caught them watching content for it more times than we’ve actually done it together. Which has made me self conscious about performing for them. They’ve admitted that they’re ashamed of this kink but still continued to watch content for it.
The last time I found out they were watching it consistently every week (and the whole week of Christmas last year, which especially hurt me more for some reason) only because it was taking a toll on our intimacy and sex life. (They were pulling away and I felt like we were splitting.)
I was very upset when I found out that they were preferring to watch it over having an open conversation and just talking about it with me. And when I (admittedly) tried confronting them about it they lied to my face. It wasn’t the first time they had lied about it and this last time almost broke me, mainly because my trust was disintegrating in real time. I made the suggestion that we both quit watching porn for two months and hold off on sex just to rebuild our relationship. (I’ve watched and enjoyed porn in the past but I’ve never engaged in it with the same frequency my partner had). This happened in February.
We had sex a handful of times before those two months after some talking and reflecting on both our parts. And to my knowledge they haven’t watched any more of this content (though a part of me that still has trust issues believes otherwise). My birthday is next week and we have plans to book a hotel room and get away for a few days. I know we will be having sex, and I’m really looking forward to it. I want to dress up and look nice for my spouse and wear my stockings for them. I used to feel confident and sexy when I did before but after our last conversation I just don’t feel that same way anymore. Even just thinking about it to write is making me feel emotional. I just don’t want to do it and in the moment realize it was a mistake. I don’t want to feel like doing it would be the only way they could get off if we’re sober. This is just all so complicated, or maybe I’m over complicating it in my head.
This might not be relevant to the situation but I watched Secretary today and it’s just had me thinking about kink in general and my OWN preferences which I felt like haven’t really been considered in my relationship. I want to enjoy sex and feel free and open, but it’s hard to do that sometimes. I just need advice :/