u/frieddumplin_

“Just seeing what’s out there”.
“I’ll know it when I find it.”

These are major red flags for me personally when looking at SDs profiles. Being open to unexpected experiences is one thing but be sure you go in knowing what you’re looking for.

General idea of what you want your pot SB to look like.
Your monthly budget for sugaring specifically.
How often you’d like to see your SB.
Types of dates you want to go on.
Etc.

Not only will it help you more easily find something satisfying, it’ll speed up the search, and attract the most ideal type of SB; a woman who also knows what she wants and can communicate it clearly to you.

What type of person are you on Seeking? Do you wait for others to find and message you or are you actively on the hunt for people to match with and message first? Why?

As an SB I’m thinking of going more passive since I learned most SDs have their profiles hidden anyway 🤷🏽‍♀️ but I want to hear some other strategizes for navigating the Seeking bowl.

All I see are Splenda daddies! It always starts with a hyper sexual convo where they ask for pics of my ass or my feet and tell me their sexual fantasies before we even exchange names.

They ALWAYS want a low $xxx ppm (allowance is always out of the question) and they are very quick and very rude about being like “I’ll pass” when I ask for what I feel is reasonable.

I’m starting to think there’s something wrong with my approach. Even when I try to choose men whose profiles claim to want companionship and connection, their actions show they want an escort.

My question is, is this common for everyone else or am I attracting them because I’m doing something wrong? I have one bikini photo on my profile but nothing overly suggestive and I think my language makes it clear that I want companionship not just sex but I could be wrong.

Being in this thread helps me remember that there are men who genuinely love this lifestyle. I don’t see that reflected in real life or on more traditionally vanilla dating apps so the reassurance means a lot.

Shout out to the super cool SDs on here that give me hope to continue the search. And shout out to the SBs that discuss their amazing arrangements, y’all give me hope too.

I’ve refined my profile and try to stay active on the apps. Not sure what else I can do other than wait, but man the waiting is hard haha! I fucking love a good SR and it’s hard not feeling satisfied, but I also know the wait makes it feel even better when things do hit!

I haven’t been in the scene very long but so far I fucking love it lol I feel like it suits my personality really well and I lucked out the first time around with a lovely SD.

But none of my friends are in the lifestyle and I have really been craving a friendship with another woman who just gets it. Someone to do all of the crazy fun shit with around town and talk shop.

If you are an SB with SB friends, please share your amazing friendship stories so I can live vicariously through you 🩷

I’m very excited about and grateful for all of the new things that I am able to have because of my SD. I want to share things like the fact that I’m able to pay off my credit card, get my nails done, buy cute shoes, etc.. just as like a little thank you every now and then

SDs, are you more of a “yes, show me all the fun you’re having” or an “I really dgaf”?

Now that I know all of the best SDs have their profiles on private, what am I looking for in that first message to signal he could be a standout?

I doubt the best SDs are sending a generic “Hey beautiful!” Or “Text me if you want to meet up.”

Best of the Best SDs, what’s your go to message?
SBs with a best of the best SD, what was his opening?

The whole convo felt so normal. Good amount of time getting to know each other on the app, moved into text, maybe gonna do a m&g. I literally said “thank you for making me feel so safe”. Then BOOM. Penis. Loooool.

I’m so mad because it was actually a pretty good looking one. But he just couldn’t keep it to himself I guess.

The search continues…

I can’t imagine what these sites look like from the SD side. I imagine y’all are getting tons of messages a day. Seems kind of overwhelming.

How do you choose which ones to click? What makes a woman stand out for you?

TLDR for women, NBs, and POCs dealing with fetishization:

- You can ignore, block, call them out, report them, or benefit from the situation however you choose. Your response is your choice.
- You deserve respect at all times. No one is paying for the right to disrespect or dehumanize you unless you explicitly ask them to do so.
- Sugar dating is still dating, which means mutual respect and emotional connection matter.
- Remind yourself often that your worth goes far beyond your body. You are more than your race, gender identity, sexuality, etc.
- Their behavior reflects them, not you.
- Take breaks when you need them.
- Lean on trusted people who remind you that you deserve care, respect, and the very best.
- The right person for you is out there. Do not settle for less.
- If this isn’t a feeling you can get past, then the bowl may not be the right place for you.

Main post:

I finally took the plunge and I’m actually having a pretty good time but a lot of the messages are from sex-only types who clicked my profile because they want a black woman to subjugate them.

They always message first. “Black goddess! Let me be your slave!” Yadda yadda yadda. It feels so weird, I’ve never had this experience before.

POC SBs can you tell me how you deal with the fetishizers other than block and ignore. It’s hard to “ignore” being made a commodity.

Edit:

1: “Block and ignore” is not helpful advice because it’s the obvious response and something I and many other women are already doing. My question is how to handle these kinds of people mentally and emotionally to not let it affect the SB experience as much as possible.

2: To the person who told me to avoid my issue by “only dating my own race” that’s asinine advice for two reasons. It absolutely does not avoid the issue when these men are the ones reaching out to ME and also forces me into a box I don’t want to be in because of the behavior of others.

We all start somewhere. What is the one thing you wish someone would have told you earlier that you had to learn the hard way?

I’m an SB not on SA yet (I’ve been using SLF to prepare myself to jump into the bowl).

Can experienced SB’s give me advice on whether I should show my face in my profile pics or not. I’d love to know what the pros and cons of each option are.

I’d love to better understand the mental and emotional experience from the male perspective. Did your expectations and motivations change over time?