I didn't think this existed. I'm having a crisis.
Title… reactivated my dead reddit account purely to post here and follow along for updates. Posting from mobile with shaking hands on FlickBoard, sorry in advance for errors. I'm also writing this at night on day 3 of what has been a very stressful week, partly due to me being on a particularly painful menstrual cycle. It's rambly.
I am 28 years old with a natal vagina and all the secondary sex bells-and-whistles that come with it. I live in the U.S., in a tiny city (<30k pop.) in an extremely transphobic state. I have identified as non-binary--more specifically, agender--for approx. 9 years at the time of writing. I work full-time in mental healthcare and am married to a beautiful non-op transgender woman. We are also both Master's students, hoping to become therapists someday.
I learned of salmacian about 4 hours ago, and I briefly flicked through some of the results pics here and had a small internal crisis. I've never thought any kind of medical intervention was right for me; my gender presentation is what I used to mistakenly call "chapstick lesbian" when I was 14 and ignorant. Long hair, no chest binding, mostly gender-neutral clothing until the last 4 years or so. I started wearing plain maxi skirts and polos at work. Basically, in congruence with my CASAB. Low risk. Safe.
And then this.
Ever since I found out what a penis was (probably age 5? when I was told by one of my friends that "boys have a little tree") I knew I wanted one. I felt empty without it, somehow. My childhood didn't help; my parents are transphobic, homophobic, xenophobic conservative Christians. It took me a long time to unpack the internalized misogyny I got from growing up in that environment, but now that I have, I love my vagina and I don't have any interest in parting with it. However, the persistent emptiness where I thought a penis should also be has followed me well into adulthood. I don't have a lot of sex, despite being married. I get dysphoric, and I often find myself wishing for a dick that sat just above my clitoris so I could have the kinds of sex I want to have instead of what I've settled for my whole life. I feel empty and, frankly, not at all confident in bed, or in my body at large.
My parents still don't know about my gender, and they never will. My in-laws are supportive but by and large are ignorant of the details. I always thought it would never be an issue, since I like almost everything about my default configuration. I have never wanted to get on hormones, and until today, I thought the configuration I wanted simply didn't exist. The most I did for my gender was legally change my first name 2 years ago and update my pronouns in my e-mail signature. But now, faced with this, I'm at a huge crossroads. I know I want this, but can I navigate insurance, doctors, therapists, travel, recovery time, questions from loved ones? Am I prepared to take on all that comes with having a dick, good and bad? Can I accept it if there are complications? Will I lose my job or stifle my career? What about my health long term?
I've read the FAQ, but frankly I'm still lost. I tried skimming the latest WPATH guidelines since the FAQ said you don't have to be on hormones before surgery anymore if you don't want to be, but I'm having trouble finding the source on that. My wife is also concerned. I am chronically ill, both mentally and physically, and she's afraid any surgeries could aggravate my issues. I also have a history of chronic depression and suicidal behavior, and the thought of me pursuing this but being barred access due to all the things I just mentioned has us both very scared for me. My wife was also concerned at the lack of history and studies she could find on VPP. Who was the first recipient? How safe is it? How many people have received it? How is it long term?
We're both lost and we have a lot of questions. I'm terrified and excited all at once. I feel like crying but tears elude me. Please send help and pictures of cats.