How to regain safety
I (34F) have been dating my boyfriend (37M) for 1.5 years.
I was late into dating so this is my first serious relationship. Everything outside of sex is fine, with the exception of communication.
Sex wise foreplay was at first there was none, and sex was rough so I would have micotearing and bleeding after, sometimes for a couple of days. I would talk to him about needing more foreplay and that I never orgasmed and need more foreplay like fingering and oral. After 6 months improvement was made, only a little bit at a time. Example foreplay was only 30 seconds, eventually 1.5 years later it might be around 10 minutes. I have told him that I read online it should be at least 25 minutes to have a chance at a orgasm.
At around 9 months I developed feelings during sex where I am very afraid and very sad. I would usually cry after. I developed these feelings because if my body is not aroused and he's really rough during sex afterwards my body is sore, in pain or micro bleeding. I would tell them all this and that I feel sad and scared. That I need more foreplay.
I did my best to communicate this with him. Including not to go so hard if I'm not aroused, that I hurt after, that I feel scared, that I feel sad. At 12 months for 1 month only there was enough improvement and I felt safe him completely. However some things outside of sex happen, I feel like our thinking and values are different. I felt like my heart broke. I cried for a whole month and was so deeply sad. Partly I think I was so sad because of the whole year, I don't know. The emotional thing that happened outside of sex that broke my heart was small, a few off handed comments but it broke my heart.
After this I tried hard to communicate. I thought things would be okay, but after this sex changed again I felt deeply afraid and sad. My arousal was killed. He tried, hes been trying with foreplay I think hes been trying more than he's ever had before. But month 13 to month 19 there have been more moments where more bad moments happened during sex where I've felt very afraid. Sometimes if I'm not aroused during sex and he's super rough with me, for almost 4 days after sex sometimes I wish to die. Not really, but the pain is so intense I just don't want to feel that pain. So I feel I can understand why I fear sex if afterwards I sometimes bleed and feel in pain.
(He's made an attempt to be less rough with me because of this, I've told him that I view things that happened as him hurting me. He's told me he's never meant to hurt me, or that's not his intention he's just really attracted to me and wants me so sometimes he's rougher with me.) I haven't bled after sex in a really long time. But despite that my fear continues to grow.
My issue is during sex if im super afraid I don't ask him to stop. I might have him slow down but I don't ask him to stop. I also don't tell him during sex I'm afraid. After sex sometimes ill tell him im really scared. I tell him that when we have sex the entire time my whole body feels like im constantly falling down the stairs, it's a scared feeling and a very deep sadness.
Months 13 to months 19, I believe since I was hurt emotionally at month 12 - I wasnt able to get aroused anymore. I also had emotional safety with him, where I didnt have sexual safety so I was able to mostly consistently get aroused. When I was hurt emotionally, emotionally safety became shaky. My arousal disappeared.
Because of this sex became very scary. I tried to work on emotional repair and each time he'd say sorry, but end each conversation with a list of things he didn't like about me. This kinda ruined my emotional safety each time more and more, which in turned made sex worst.
I tried to tell him that my level of fear is increasing. That for it to be better I need us to work on emotional repair and my arousal is tied to my level of safety and that I am becoming more and more afraid.
He tells me that this sounds complicated. He's already said sorry and that he doesn't think there is anything he can do to help me. He wants me to get therapy and said he'd pay for it. In my opinion all my issues are to do with how I feel about him and I need emotional repair and I don't think a therapist would help.
It's month 18-19 that I've started to tell him I don't want to have sex with him at all anymore until I feel safe. It was bad timing as it was our anniversary and his birthday during this time, so I did have sex with him both times after that. Once I felt extremely depressed. Once it was actually good for the first time in forever. Then the third and last time, I started to cry during sex and I couldn't stop so I pushed him off.
I told him again I don't want to have sex anymore because I dont feel safe and I want repair. I've tried to talk to him about this, my feelings and he just doesnt seem like he wants to talk. He just answers with short words and makes me feel like he doesn't want to talk.
When I give up and say I want to go home. He will say how much I matter to him, that hes always here for me, how much he loves me and to tell him what I need.
He always says he wants me forever and can't imagine being with anyone else. Endlessly says tells me nice things that I matter.
I'm deeply attached to him and very confused. I tell him things that are really serious and he doesn't make me feel like he cares. I know he cares but I feel like he doesn't try repair.
He knows im deeply afraid and asked for some kind of emotional repair and to pause sex. But he always climbs on me and tells me how much he wants to fuck me, but that its up to me if we do.
When we have moments where we can talk about feelings I feel like he avoids it.
Partly I avoid it too because all the things I have to say to him now sound like a break up speech.
I dont want to break up with him. I want to figure how to regain safety but it feels so distant and impossible and I just want to know that I really tried to make things work.