Confession time. I’ve never told anyone this but this seems like a good outlet to say it in.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been drawn to the idea of rougher sex—of someone taking complete control and me being able to let go, be totally helpless and give up the control I usually carry everywhere else. I don’t even like drinking and smoking because I always want to be in control of what I’m doing and my actions.
I’ve never totally understood where that came from, but I think I’m starting to. For most of my life, I’ve felt like I’ve had to be the one in control of situations, especially with my parents. They haven’t always taken care of themselves, and I’ve often felt like I had to step in, help them, manage things, and almost take on the role of the parent.
So I think maybe part of why I’m drawn to giving up control in bed is because it’s one of the only places where I don’t want to be responsible for anything. I just want to be able to let go completely, trust someone else to take over, and not have to think or manage or carry anything for a while. In a weird way, I think surrendering that control feels like relief. And the other part of it is some physical pain. I’m in so much mental pain, all the time, for years to be honest. I feel so beaten down at this point that I feel like physical pain would actually give me mental pain a break. Anyways ☺️ that’s all for now.