Hi all,
I had a questionable experience at my local dungeon recently and I need advice. Forgive the lengthy post; I felt details were important! (New account for privacy’s sake.)
I (19f) am fairly new to the scene and have only been to a couple of play parties. At one of them, I met an older rigger ((70M) who seemed very kind and welcoming, and wanted to teach me more about bondage. It’s something I’ve always been interested in so I agreed to try out a tie. We talked extensively beforehand and he explained the process. I felt fairly comfortable, especially knowing we’d be in the dungeon around people I’m familiar with. This particular person also volunteers with the club, and is widely respected/well known in the local scene.
He had also said that our relationship would be strictly friendly, and I’d said that I’d like to keep it as such. For context, I identify as a lesbian and have only been with women. He’s aware of this.
During the tie, everything was going smoothly up to a certain point. He’d given me breaks and opportunities to stop, but I wanted to progress to the full hogtie. While I was lying facedown/lashed to the table, he asked if it would be okay for him to run his hands over my body. I agreed; he’d previously said that non-sexual touch was common between him and his rope partners and the idea didn’t bother me.
However, as he was working on untying me, he started touching me in a way that was distinctly sexual (rubbing between my legs). He didn’t ask beforehand and I was shocked. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to speak up. It was just so unexpected. He stopped after a little while, and after I’d been untied, I left fairly quickly.
Now I’m wondering what to do with all of this. I’m feeling regretful and honestly disgusted with myself. Like I betrayed myself/my body.
I’ve since realized that we never put a safeword in place, and hard limits weren’t defined. I thought they were implied to a certain point.
I should have revoked consent. I also feel like this was something that should’ve been discussed ahead of time. I had done an impact scene beforehand and was definitely in a different headspace.
I haven’t yet reached out to him to discuss; this happened only last night and I’ve been trying to process since. What to do moving forward? Should I talk to him, or to someone else I know in the community? Simple misunderstanding or something more?
Thank you in advance.