Relapse during/after domestic violence
So I was in a relationship with someone who was physically, emotionally/psychologically, and sexually abusive for a year unfortunately before I was able to escape. I was in recovery sober for almost 18 months and the way he broke me down made me lose my self worth to the point I turned back to drugs to cope with being assaulted physically and emotionally. Gabapentin first, then starting abusing suboxone again too. I left him in August and I still can’t get off the drugs. I feel like I’m fundamentally harmed and my brain cannot shut off or feel normal and I feel like I need the drugs just to get through day to day, it’s that hard. Most days I’d prefer not to be alive. The courts had arrested him and he’s going through the criminal justice system but they’re only offering him a deferred judgement for assaulting me in public on cctv camera and I can’t really cope with this; as my protection order will expire in a year when he’s done probation. My brain is sooo harmed. I have a lot of other trauma but this is what tipped the needle for me to relapse and now I literally cannot find my way out. What the fuck do I do????