u/name_us

Sorry to be a downer guys. I've got some serious depression issues resulting from an epileptic seizure I had 18 years ago. As a result I've sustained some brain damage which means I can't feel positive emotions anymore and it's a constant struggle not to slide into despair. The best I can feel is completely numb emotionally with positive physical sensations. As a result I ended up becoming very reliant on wanking to get me through the dark periods but also in the numb periods as it was the closest I could get to feeling happy again (I know, literally trying to wank myself happy for years, so tragic). At some point in this 18 year period I had a seizure at night while I had a nocturnal erection and managed to kind of snap my penis. The internal scar tissue has tightened giving me an hourglass deformity when soft where the middle of my shaft is tighter and narrower than the base and tip of my penis which looks horrible. When erect I have a 45 degree bend to the left. Most annoyingly though the inside of the bend mid shaft also has a weak point which hinges or kinks during sex or during nocturnal erections and it's really painful. Just getting really hard also hurts because it feels like someone is trying to bend my cock straight. I'm booked in for surgery to correct the curve hopefully this year but they'll as a result I'll be losing about an inch of length and I won't be able to wank at all during recovery which is at least 6 weeks. I'm big time struggling to stay positive. Can any of you guys relate? Or does anyone else wank as a coping mechanism? I'm feeling super alone in it at the moment 😔 also please feel free to ask me anything. Talking about it helps, reminds me people care.

Firstly I'm only showing myself erect because it's the only way to show this particular insecurity of mine. I have epilepsy and since a night seizure whilst erect I kind of managed to snap my penis. As you can see from the second image it has a weak point mid shaft that is able to kink which is pretty painful if it happens during sex or again just while asleep etc. As the scar tissue tightened around the weak point it kind of pulled it in which is what creates the curve. When soft it also pulls the centre of my shaft in tighter so I'm not curved but the middle of my penis when soft is wrinkled and narrower, I'm really insecure about how I look soft as a result. They call this an hourglass deformity. I've been told by lots of people online that they like the curve but I've never liked it and this year I plucked up the courage to see a urologist to see if there is anything that can be done. My urologist has been brilliant so far. Made me feel comfortable, gave me heaps of data to help reassure me about some of my insecurities about my size etc (this all came about very organically while he was taking the necessary measurements). They are going to operate on my penis by performing a Nesbit procedure. That entails cutting out a chunk of my penis on the long side of the curve. Pulling it straight then sewing me back together. As a result I should have a straight but more importantly functioning penis that doesn't hurt during sex. The other consequence is I'll lose about an inch of erect length. At first I was devastated but after talking it through with some trusted friends and thinking on it for a good while I'm actually quite excited to be 'shorter'. My penis is currently just above average length but below average girth so to my eyes it always looks a bit skinny and out of proportion especially when looking at it from above and when fully hard (not as hard as I can get in the picture because again that hurts). It's still early on in the journey and I'm still very nervous about the surgery itself but wanted to share with you where I'm at with it.

And please ask me anything 🤎

Don't get me wrong I know I'm attractive, I've been told many times but I have struggled with that too massively because I often just don't feel it or see it and when you're feeling low knowing something is always trumps by believing that other voices. I was a very very late starter not growing any pubic hair until I was 16. I was also one of the shortest boys in the school and we had a couple of thousand pupils. While all the other boys were getting deeper voices, broader shoulders, hairy, and bigger dicks and balls, bulking up and filling out etc I stayed unchanged and I wasn't able to bring myself to undress at all and despised myself. I just wanted to be a 'man' and associated all these traits with being 'manly or becoming a man' as I did start to develop I remained with below average girth still have tiny testes and as you can see I'm super smooth. I also always had a ridiculously fast metabolism so putting on weight was impossible despite being on a 5000 calorie a day diet. Again I know so many guys are insecure about being overweight but I had the opposite. Always super skinny and underweight this only added to my feeling of not being manly. Now I'm starting to hit my late 30's I'm starting to be able to put a bit of weight on if I really try and this has helped me loads. Posting nudes has also made a massive difference as I have this constant negative narrative in my head and naturally assume it's what everyone else believes so posting and hearing an alternative narrative has been so helpful. Also kind folk just reaching out and offering support and encouragement has been great. Also talking to a trusted friend who pushed me to stay therapy has been huge too.

Please feel free to ask me anything I'm quite open.

Taken on the North coast 500 in Scotland.

I'm sweating buckets today in this heat. So glad I'm home alone at the moment.

So thankful I'm home alone and able to practice some home nudity in this weather. Keep safe all.

Trying to work on my body positivity and confidence. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, also thinking I might get my hair cut soon. You can see it at different lengths in different pics in my profile, I would be interested to know if there is a clear preference.