Husband doesn’t want to be my Dom
I’ve been married to my husband for almost a year now, together for 2 years before that. He’s a great guy, he spoils me and makes me laugh. I live a really comfortable life with him and my needs are well taken care of. However, my kinky/submissive side has been causing a huge rift in our relationship for a few years now.
When we first met on the apps and started dating, I disclosed my kink interests to him very early on and said I’d eventually want to build up to either TPE or PPE D/s, alongside the vanilla relationship. I asked him if he’s ever been involved in BDSM before and assured him it’s okay if this is a dealbreaker for a relationship. He assured me he had some previous play experience and expressed interest in learning how to be my Dom. We began experimenting with different types of play, which he seemed to enjoy. However, after we got engaged his interest in learning started waning, and eventually there were no scenes, and 0 talk of any progress towards an actual D/s dynamic. We argued about this a few times and he chucked all of it up to stress and promised me he was very eager to put more work in after the wedding was over and things calmed down at work. I went along with this because he treated me so well in all other areas and was the perfect partner minus the kink part.
Wedding happens, still no sign of his interest in kink returning. I start asking/begging/nagging/fighting, compile educational resources, send him courses etc to try and move this along in any way I can. Eventually during a difficult conversation he reveals he never had any substantial play experience/interest to begin with, and was basically just hoping I’d eventually stop wanting to be a sub and become “normal”. He tells me my way of experiencing love and sexuality is unnatural and artificial, and that I’m missing out on “pure” and spontaneous vanilla love and intimacy.
After countless of discussions on how to navigate, he tells me that the best way to get what I want may be to get a Dom somewhere else (like some kind of ENM arrangement). I tried chatting with a few people on Fetlife and it’s just been so depressing. Husband also seemed upset with this (and the idea of me getting more involved with my local kink community), even stating that he wants me to be happy but hates the idea of someone else giving me the kind of happiness that he won’t/can’t.
I’m just so exhausted. My self esteem is at an all time low and This is never how I pictured my life going… I feel stuck and conflicted and don’t know what to do. If anyone’s been in a similar situation before, I’d love some advice